Blurred lines

New times

2011-12-31T06:07:00.000-08:00

Things have moved on so much for me in the last two years.

Wonderful thing's, frightening things, anxious times, fantastic moments.

Good friends, a little more acceptance of my situation, a most of all wonderful new partner. All have helped life move on to a happier place.

Have I come to terms with myself ?

Maybe a little more. Still not without reservations, but I can't change my discomfort with my self fully just like that.

New questions are now raising however. I've always held to the belief I would not intentionally hurt any of my loved ones due to what I perceived in the past to be my oddity , my selfishness, my condition.

More people know of me now. There is a little less anxiety in my life, but my premise still holds.

I don't want to let my life effect others around me detrimentally in any way.

My daughter is due in March. A twist in my life I never expected to happen. Which makes life so, so wonderful , but suddenly so complex for me.

...Glamoflage

2010-07-13T23:41:00.000-07:00

Glamoflage . The art of hiding in public spaces by being overtly fabulous.

I joined two very public parades this weekend. one sensible , one quite silly.

Of all the thousands of people that lined the route did anyone I know spot me ?

Well they haven't said yet.

Bit disappointed really.

Perhaps my theory of Glamoflage really works ?

OMG I look like a drag queen. Told you it was silly :O) .

...spoilsport

2010-06-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

My lunchtime doodle for those whom have had their games spoiled to day.

...truths

2010-06-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

A note for myself.

Hopes

I could keep those close & dear to me

I can just get on with living.

I don't change who I am.

Acceptance from friends & others alike.

I can carry on doing the thinks I love.

Remove the mental deadweight.

Loose the stress

Settle the mind, attain some sort of inner peace & learn to like myself.

To remove my duel ID & all the complications that arise from it.

Inclusion

Strength

Confidence

Love

Fears

Loosing family.

Loosing friends.

What if I'm wrong

My aesthetics.

Being selfish.

Remaining outside society.

Lonliness.

Coping with change & my already fragile confidence.

Work

Loss of security

Loss of direction.

Unless I can remove the fears, I dont think I shall ever move on.

:O(

...better than James Brown

2010-05-30T01:34:00.000-07:00

Woke up the morning feeling good despite the gloomy weather.

Combination of things I think

Meeting a few friends in town yesterday helped my mood.

Always better when I feel I'm not so alone in all of this.

Had an interesting experience yesterday.

The human Library was open for a day in Norwich.

A change to take people 'out' as an open book on an element of their lives.

Basically a chance to get an insight into a persons life how it has affected them , changed them , moulded or wounded them. Its rare I get to do this with a stranger. People are fascinating, & those passionate about something even more so.

Unfortunately not a lending library :O)

...sailors return

2010-05-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

Returned from holiday on Sunday.

Wonderful time & all that goes with it.

Good sailing , good people, good food . Maybe a touch too much food, but well restrained on the wine & lots of walking to make up

Don't think its post holiday blues, but I'm left just feeling a little empty with it all.

The nagging self doubt & all the baggaged rubbish that goes with it is maybe peeking it's head above the parapet again.

Which is ok. I'm learning to deal with that.

I question my self all the time about the course I steer, but I'm trying my best not to wine about it to people these days.

So feeling my way abroad.

Well there was no question she wasn't coming with me on holiday .

I'm not sure how I could leave her at home now.

Not something I can turn off just like that.

Only tone down the external references.

Not for my sake.

I do try to think of others (maybe too much). Being on a yacht is a small and uncomfortable place if even one person is upset. So the rule is don't bring baggage to the table to rock the boat.

I never know how folk will react to me. Something I still learning to gauge.

So two weeks in plain shorts & tee shirts. Being ambiguous in my look.

I often said I don't need to dress outwardly . It doesn't change me. Just helps with a little confidence.

I still may look a little curious , shaven smooth , long hair, long nails, plucked eyebrows etc, but I was only questioned the once & then it was by another crew.

In the end a workable compromise was fine & why should it not be. I've not gone full time, I compromise most days.

I think the empty feeling has arisen from having to contain & compromise my self for a longer period & being ok with that.

If I can do that when pushed , then can I actually be content with where I am.

I'm I kidding my self ?

...people

2010-05-04T15:37:00.000-07:00

Ok . It's been a fair while since writing.

Not that I haven't done anything in that time, but its all been said before so no need to go over old ground.

I have, it seems, settled into a comfortable rhythm in my life.

Totting things up, if indeed Indeed to keep score, it seems I'm spending about 40% of my time outwardly presenting as her.

Inwardly. well. That's just me what ever the time.

But its people. People around me now. I'm meeting so many new folk at the moment .

Just being out and about in general. Not hiding away.

All walks of life , different ages & backgrounds.

Not all who have been exposed directly to my specific life choices or similar,

but then why should they be ?

Expecting folk to just be accepting is I feel a little naive of me. If not a little selfish.

So far though this has been a good thing. It seems that; despite my feelings to the contrary most of my life; people are on the whole pretty nice to be around.

I spent years not really interacting. Not really joining in socially. Keeping to a small number of close trusted people, which I think may have generated a very narrow view of the world.

Things are opening up for me. New Ideas. New scope.

I cant say its bringing answers to my situation , but it's opening my eyes to show me I'm not the only one that is; in a manner of speaking; displaced in what is considered normality.

Its giving me a little more confidence that I should not worry so much about it though.

I have to add , that coming election has done one thing. Got people talking, which really helps gauge where they stand. Surprised me in many cases too.

So people. I might actually learn to like them soon.

...being abstract

2010-03-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

So Where do I fit ?

Outside Convention, But who writes convention ?
Outside Society, but who’s society ?
Outside the lines, well who paints by numbers ?
Outside the box, but not out of mind.

Between the sexes. Not at all.
Between genders. Genetic barriers are taller than any prison.
Between Ying & Yang. It’s a fine line between confusion & happiness
Between worlds . There’s only one world for those who choose to see it.

Without Identity. Ego, I & Id are within.
Without definition. Am I out of shape ?
Without consistency. Maybe a solid failing.
Without a clue. Mysteriously no.

Beyond the norm’. Normal is so dull.

So where do I fit?
Only in the space that is left by me.
Nobody's perfect.

...can there be too much fun ?

2010-02-18T10:19:00.000-08:00

Blimey . Too many nights & days out this week.

It's LGBT history month in Nowich this month being successfully run by the Norwich Pride folks.

Which means so many things have been going on. Invites to this & that . Side events that are happening in coincidence with it all.

All a bit of a whirl. 8 or 9 nights out in the last two weeks. Not good for the tummy line , not good for the purse & I'm sure I'll have to go to confession at some point.

Good for the soul though :O)

...another year.

2010-02-14T13:53:00.000-08:00

Changes for the new year.

Not resolutions.

Not intentional.

Just the way things turn out.

I've pretty much stopped drawing.

I've gotten out of the habit of taking my camera everywhere.

I haven't spoken to or seen a number of friends so far this year.

I've hardly picked up my guitar since the new year.

I seem to have lost any spark of enthusiasm and creativity that I may once have glimmered.

I've just stopped going sailing, which I adore.

It's not that I never intend to do any of these things again , but if I were to define the root of this all I would say that my work has just knocked ten bells out of me at the moment & I can see no let up.

On a positive side I'm comming out of my self a little more.

Lara's probably out on the town a little too much at the moment, but getting out of the routine ruts, being varied and doing so much more on my own.

Possibly due to confidence be a little higher & the need to escape from life a little at the moment.

Still a lot of conflict with what I'm doing , but I'm slowly trying to deal with that now.

Oh .It looks like Blurred lines is 3 years old on Tuesday.
Time flys.

...weird week

2010-02-07T09:34:00.000-08:00

A weird week. Yes & no.

I had a few things I needed to pick up for a party I had been invited along to on the Friday.

So I ran into town, from work, during lunch time to see what I could find

Not that this is a problem . However this was the first time in fully male mode. Which I must say really felt uncomfortable.

Shopping in female mode I've done a number of times now , Never any awkwardness about that. This situation seems so clear to me. My attitude now tho that is "This is how I'm presenting, accept it". In male mode there was this guilty feeling rife in the back of the head that I was invading foreign space. Sorry mate you no longer belong here no matter how you feel.

Got though it. Odd though.

Found what I wanted, pink & black accessories.

Wedensday started out with a meal at a local restuarant.

When & say local , I mean 200 meters from home local, which was fine.

Decided as it was a bit chilly , trousers , jacket & flat shoes were the best idea for the evening . Then in a typical momentary change of mind went with pencil skirt & heels . All well & good until the moment I steped out of the door & down came the snow . The dilema was should I stay or should I go ? . Decided to go for it & walked pretty briskly for someone on heels to the venue. Only slighty white & damp when I arrived.

Met with a couple of friends, the place was mostly busy. Not sure what the party of parents & children made of us three. Nothing was said. so all I guess was ok.

Good meal , good chat , the world according to T put right once again. Soft revolution plans formed over soft drinks.

Next time though I think I'll chose the venue & make within veiw of my friends bedroom window instead :O)

Popped out to the pub one evening , a few friends milling around. I somehow get talked into doing a talent show spot for the LGBT history month in tmy fine city . Kind of whished it was just all talk. These things catch up with us though.

Friday night. Now here a was an odd evening .

This was the party to which I had an invite. My friend Di was comming along to so we agreed to meet up at my house , get changed & ready prior to hitting town.

The theme for the night was just 'Trash party' , the dress code Bizarre Circus. New York Club Kids. Grotesque Burlesque and CyberDog. James St. James. Party Monster. Club Freak Show. Leigh Bowery. Beyond Drag and most of all TRASH!

Erm not my usual , but sounded fun. So I had been putting together a whole overthe top pink & black gothic satin & lace affair together Starting to worry that Ive get to be in public like this for a while .

Never mind.

Di had come in a full neck to toe , arm to finger tip zebra print cat suit. So we were going to look as odd as one another which made me feel strangley better.

We wet to meet up friends at their shop first , drinks & finish getting ready. Out party now numbered 5. Every one in the spitit of the night . It was going to be fun :O)

Walking up the road, the strange crew stopped off of course at the most male dominated Friday night cheap Weatherspoons drinking hole that could be found.....well just for the hell of it. Its supprising how accepting folk are of a whole group dressed outragously can be. No problem.

Onto the party .

Sigh of relief . Were not the only ones dressed.

It was bing held in a public club though . Not sure what the main clientel made of us all. Again though , no problems . The music loud , plenty of UV glow sticks & trash dancing the night away .

Good fun , not sure dancing on soft furnished podiums was a good move , but I survived anlkes intact.

Top night . Will certainly do another trash party.

Saterday. Di had grabbed the spar room for the night . The day started slowly. nothing much to do . Another day to be spent in girl mode though . Di went off shopping in town . I just had to recover my camera from the shop.

No really good photos from the night before. As the addage goes , no photos , so did the event happen ?

Well, not all lost I had my small , nasty camera with me . Not great ,but it did a job.

Si I had agreed to meet up with Di for the evening . same routine. Drop round to the flat , get ready go off to teh function.

Di too had been talked into the TGBT Talent show the night before. Not enough time for her to sort out her keyboard , but opted to sing instead. I wasnt alone . My lackluster agreement to do this thing seemed now to be set . No choice .

Dressing a little more sedately than the previous night & had to lug guitars & amps to the pub . Dicide what I was to do & try & set up . Kill the nerves & figure how to make this as painless as possible.

Well , not only have I never played in a dress before. I've never played to a crowd of more than 2 before let alone a packed pub waiting to be entertained. Anothe r couple of firsts to tick off the list.

Much fretting about fretting on stage.

Of course they wanted me to go first & kick the whole thing off. Arg no. I could happily have walked out then. & should of.

Little things that go wrong can have a dramatic effect on you.

Having to reset the amp at the last moment to suit the P.A. didnt help. Setting up while the DJ would turn the music down didnt help. Changing my mind at the last moment & playing something completely different didnt help. Standing playing instead of my usualk sitting & playing didn't help . My guitar strap beaking once I had started didn't help, pulliung the jack plug out when ~I went to retrieve thestrap didn't help at all. So when I resumed , confidence was shot & I was a bit all over the place.

Having said that , great relief when it was over. Let me get on the enjoy the rest of the evening. Di was quite pleased she was up next so she could do the same I think. As nevous as I & this is someone who has performed on a bigger stage before.

Oddly I didnt win :O)

Sunday. Girly shopping day .

New shoes skirt , fair bit of window shopping & changing room invasions. All good.

Nice to have some one to go along with for once.

Di was out looking for a new dress for an Anti valantines day next week.

I was happy that the shoes were only a pound more expensive than the parking :O)

Enjoyed that.

Afternoon tea I John Lewis & home.

Good week .

...MK dons a dress

2010-01-25T10:10:00.000-08:00

Another varied week.
On Saterday I find myself being asked to do wedding photographs for a friend. I had to point out that my ability with a camera is pretty limited & wouldn't really be fair on the couple, but it looks like I may be doing it in conjuction with a photographer friend of mine. This will be a first. Eep ! .
After an evening out on Wedensday I find I have agreed to do catwalk for friends of mine who run their own Couture fashion business, to be combined with a charity event being run by the local City College. Eep too!
Begs the question should trannies do fashion shows, not sure how seriously other folks involved will take this. Oh well.

Friday I made a bit of a snap descision to travel down to Milton Keynes to attend the Angels 10th birthday party.
So to start with I took Friday off work (relief) & went shopping in the city center. Thought I would go & find something new for the evening. Anyway a fair bit of looking aroud, couldn't find a thing that leapt out at me & shouted 'buy me' ,or if it did, then of course it stopped at size 12. Curse my frame. So a bit of an empty start......well apart from raising a few eyebrows which always makes me smile.
So I jumped into the car. Sensible flat driving shoes for once & comfortable outfit( as pictured above) & off I went.
Discovered what a dreadful place Milton keynes was to drive around. Someone seems to have overkilled on the round abouts. Like driving around concrete crop circles.
I had managed to blag a room at the Hilton Doubletree Milton Keynes cheaper than a travel lodge. A big hotel doing luxury rooms for £35 a night with breakfast, whats that al about ?
Ammused my self at flustering the receptionist on her first day in the job, but she was pleasent enough. As were the rest of the staff
Another first for me, hotel booked in her name . No problems.

The aim was to go to Pink Punters for the do in the evening. A place I've always told my self was a bit off limits. The idea of a hundred trannies in one place is almost my vision of hell, but in the end was really quite pleasent & casual.
I wanted to just meet a few people I had either spoken to or communicated with over the years, just a hi & hello. Which , with my limited social skills I attempted & failed. I always find talking to near strangers somthing of a daunting challenge. Possibly still the shy teenager left in me mixed with my own brand of awkwardness. I was a bit supprised though just how many faces I seemed to know , even if the names were not there in my head. Dont quite know why that is. I'm not one to scour the internet or spam forums or even use Flickr much these days, but It seems the trans community is full of such varied & lovely people & they all descended on MK this week.
A few new people met along the way too, dinner & a bit of a chat, all in all a good evening. A new experience in what is slowy becoming a more comfortable situation for me. . I'm glad I went along instead of being the coward & dismissing the idea as I so very often do at the last moment.

No sure I was so happy about the drive home though.

...Bubble & Lara

2010-01-24T06:14:00.000-08:00

Another short tune & movie clip I threw together.

Im stopping short of calling this medium trannimation. :O)

...when bored

2010-01-08T05:57:00.000-08:00

...do as the bored do.

I don't know what that would be , but I turned to making silly movies while I was at home sickly.

...new year

2010-01-03T02:48:00.000-08:00

The holiday season has come & gone.

That survived & even enjoyed this year.

I guess it helps Iv'e been around people this year which has made the difference.

The lead up to Christmas seemed such a blur, so many things to attend , so many dinners.

It seemed like a whole years socialising had been condensed into three weeks.

This culminated with my first Christmas eve, day & boxing day as her, with the minor interuption of Christmas dinner with the folks.

A hurdle for next year maybe.

New years was just great. Went out with friends & let go a little . Even a little drunk.

Friends alone suprises me. In the last year Iv'e met so many new friends and associates, male female,trans,of all walks of life and social back ground.
This all really just proves to myself that I believe my self confidence has risen a little this year, that I can now interact with folk a little more.

I've done some things that may have filled me with dread 12 months ago.

I'm not all the way there yet, may never be but I think i'm progressing at my own pace and managing to maintain a certain level of sanity with it.

Well thats it for now. No resolutions for the next year. I shall see what I'm faced with & deal with it then.

Hoping the rest of the year shall, like yesterdays stroll, be a cool calm walk in the park.

Wishing anyone who may read any of this the most pleasent of days for the coming new year.

...acceptance speach

2009-12-24T06:41:00.000-08:00

It has been a week of dinners and socialising on both sides of the coin and in equal measure.

Some good nights, some great & all unique in their own way .

People blowing off steam in thier own way which to be honest has little to do with the seasonal festivities. Bit hypocritical really , but there you have it. I'm just as hypoctitical in this sense.

Monday night was not a pre-meditated or planned dinner, do or party. I had intended a quiet night in.

There was an open invitation to attend an alternative LGBT carol service, which with my stance on the subject of religion I had given my apologies almost straight away with out much further consideration.

However , on the Sunday night prior to the event I had been giving this a little more thought.

Here was a group of people making an outward effort to embrace and welcome an element of the fringe community. Offering a little acceptance, acknowlegement. An olive branch. Something we all sectrtly desire I suspect.

I came to the conclusion that if this church can put aside what I would percieve as differences then who am I to reject thier openness without compramise? . A) it would be just down right rude & selfish of me, B) removing any barriers between any section of the community has got to be engouraged surely ?

My stance has never been to reject organised religion. I truely have no problem with people having thier beliefs , traditions & rituals. In truth I find myself a little jealous of peoples faith . Something not available to me.

My problem has always been with the systematic judgement. The I am right , you are wrong element.

I find it a little confusing though with what is essentially the same denomination , how interpritation can allow such a divergence of acceptance within the church.

Here was a group offering that acceptance though.

So I attended. Memories of my childhood around the fringes of the church & more specifically my old church run school came flooding back. Not terrible moments , but they have been consigned to thier place in my memory.

Part of the sermon was simply about acceptance. Acceptance of people, however they want to live, what they want to believe, how they want to present or see themselves.

Wonderful. Well maybe. I sat & listened and came to the conclusion that this was a call to all present on both sides of the congregation. Here we all are just people get along with each other, but to my mind the mere fact that these folk were there was indication that this was possibly already the case.

Preaching to the converted already.

Baring in mind that prior to walking in through the door, the busy city out side I had been whistled & shouted out at. (which is ok , because trans folk don't have feelings)

I seemed to me that, although welcome, the sermon was a little mis-directed. For both groups present who still get dirision from the general populus the focal point of the should not have been toward those inside the walls, but those on the outside.

That said , I did actually feel better for going along. I thank those who arranged this & thank them for prompting me to be a little more considerate.

...another winters day

2009-12-20T05:23:00.000-08:00

No reason to blog these except to pass on the calm that was the garden this morning.

...brrrrrr

2009-12-19T09:42:00.000-08:00

First thing today ....

Was cold .....

Giving a fresh new perspective on ...

the brass monkeys' chilling predicament.

...make it stop

2009-12-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

Ok , I don't think Iv'e hidden it very well lately that work is getting on top of me.

I'm sure Iv'e vented and bored my friends rigid about it.

Whole new managements , re-arranging companies, friends & colleagues being made redundant & all the emotional mess that goes along with it.

I'm still trying to see through the politics of it all & envisage what the overall future plan is.

Whom it involves & where it intends to go.

All a bit sad at the moment as I was one of the original members that started the company 12 years ago.

However things must move on .

What I can't seem to get & this is the thing that is causing me them most trouble is that people are being let go when there is plenty of work to be done. New & old.

I find myself having to cover 2 1/2 other peoples jobs as well as my own now, which is having an adverse reaction on the quality and quantity of my own works, as well as stress levels.

Awibble

Sigh .

...picking up the peices

2009-12-14T10:10:00.000-08:00

I'm left picking up the peices of another weekend still nursing my first hang over in many years.

Wince.

The week end started with Friday evening at the pub.

It's a real hot & cold deal on a Friday , sometimes a smattering of folk & sometimes packed to the rafters. I've not quite decifered what triggers every one to stay in or go out yet. Probably the phase of the moon

However Friday was a packed night. All good fun. singing & dancing & general sillines from the crowd.

Which was in complete contrast to Saterday when hardly a soul was out.

Not sure if the evening was enhanced by the staff & locals putting on a skit. Loosy based around the Nativity. Almost train crash cringeworthy, yet bad enough to be compelling to watch.

Combined with shopping all day Saterday & two late nights in a row I wasn't in the greatest state of mind to go & sail on the Sunday . Weather grey & wet. Cold . Urg.

Still I had committed myself so out the door I went. Not so bad in the end. Good to catch up with a few friends I'd not seen in a while.

Still frozen when I got home though.

So tired, cold and bit hungry. The simple solution is to get dressed & hit the town again .

Sunday was to be Future Coutures' networking party & Photo studio opening event to which I was invited along to.

I was asked to take my guitar & play, which with a bit of trepidation I did. Playing for the first time to folks I didnt know. Little nervous about that one.

It was good to get out & meet new folk . There are some wonderful folk out there. No one bats much of an eyelid to a hideous bloke in a dress. Which is nice.

There are also some really interesting folk out there , that I could quite happily have talked into the wee hours with......oh well actually I did , What I thought was about 11pm actually turned out to be 3am. Oops.

Anyway , thouroughly good day , I can't thank Carmen, Fran & all involved enough for putting on a good bash.

More drinks , dancing & singing.

Monday morning headache

...but well worth it.

...relaitonships

2009-12-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

I came to the conclusion a long time ago that I wasn't good at relationships.

...new red dress

2009-12-07T10:49:00.000-08:00

I'm out and about rather a lot at the moment.

For once just enjoying myself.

...in the past

2009-11-10T10:22:00.000-08:00

Last week I spent 3 1/2 days solid in female mode.

Out shopping, at home, out on the town three nights even to the hairdressers.

3 days back in the land of the bland & it all seems so long in the past.

Sigh

:O(

...Sailing into the sunset

2009-11-09T10:47:00.000-08:00

It will be the first time in years I will admit that on Sunday I simply just did not want to go sailing .

There was little wind , It was perishingly cold & I knew that I had put a hole in my nice, warm dry suit.

However I was due to run a course & commitments are commitments.

As the sun came out during the day to take the edge off the biting cold I shrugged off my negetive mindset and began to enjoy the calm beauty of it all around me.

The truth is that England can be stunningly beautiful when you ignor the weather, especially this time of year. There is a crisp cleaness that for me dissapears in winter & reappears only for a while around Easter.

Autunm.

Love it.

My day was capped off as my students went home happy after what turned out to be a productive session. The sun set over the becalmed broad.

The only movement as a flock of 40 or so geese settled in for the night .

The sky & water exploded with colour. Gold & orange against black silouettes of the naked trees.

Teh sky moving on through blues , lilacs & purples.

The clouds wisped as a front moved over.

Wonderful sight to behold which must have lasted a good hour before it was all over.

I'm still in awe of the world sometimes .

...foolish things.

2009-11-05T09:39:00.000-08:00

I appear to be going slightly potty at the moment.

I'm at a total loss to explain it.

So distracted from what I should be doing.

I phoned into work today , told them I wouldn't be there & went shopping instead.

I never do that.

Lara dosen't often go shopping as a rule, & certainly not on her front door step.

Today I just had to give up bowing to others expectations.

I needed time to my self.

I lost a lot of the day browsing , not buying .

No need to buy.

Shop assistance all being very pleasent.

I went to see the very nice folk at Macc in Norwich, finaly got around to finding a foundation that will actually suit.

Sorted out an appointment to get something sorted on my hair too. Another nice lady in the salon.

Lots of advice on why it's breaking so much at the moment.

Stopped sort, wondering 'should I get my ears peirced?', it was a close run thing though.

No snide remakes in the street , why's every one being so nice ?

A good day & probably a tonic I felt I needed at the moment.

Which is ok , a tonic is pleasent , but doesn't provide answers.

It's odd. When him I think about her, When her I don't think much about him.

None of the pressure to cover up. Less of the need to control myself.

Which scares and elates at the same time. Arg. Just how screwed up is all of this?.

I think the definition of who I thought I was may need clarifying despite my convictions to the contrary.

I though I was clear where I stood.

...but running away from it ....going shopping although a distraction, is not the solution.

...matter over mind

2009-11-05T09:04:00.000-08:00

Last months holiday was, it seems; a little more difficult for me than I imagined it would be.

Too much time to ponder can be a dangerous thing. Even more dangerous when you don't come up with any satidfactory answers.

I appear inwardly to be so full of contradictions, while outwardly trying to maintain an elaborate deception to my self & the world at large.

I was in a situation I should have enjoyed , sailing around, meeting interesting folk, seeing new stuff. All good, but in a very masculine environment.

As I stated previously, I missed the girl. I can't fully explain the feeling. I felt I had put up a massive facade for a few weeks.

Not that it is not generally there, but it felt more intense than normal.

I think I just missed being me.

Returning to home & to work has been a bit of a blur.

The relief. The re-acceleration from almost total wind down.

...,but the absolute distraction has been intense also.

Can't get her out of my head.

...return to gender

2009-11-01T01:24:00.000-07:00

Ive been away for just under a month.

I had joined a yacht delivery flotilla , only a reletively short trip from Archea Epidavros in the Saronic , through the Corinth canal , the gulf , into the south Ionian, up through the Lefkas Canal & into the Adriatic sea to Corfu. Slow paced for most of the time . I could probably have walked it quicker many days .

What the trip afforded me was time. Time to realise just how wound up & stressed I had become, time to think. Time to switch off.

I've done a few of these trips before. Each one simular in it's structure , each one unique in its execution.

So many external influences determine how the day will go. Location , weather, harbour space available, distance, & people. These are the things that have always appealed. The not really knowing 100% where you'll end up the next day or what you'll find.

Sailing, walking, swimming, exploring with my camera & sketchpad.

Not many folks idea of fun , but a small snatch of heaven for me.

So what was the differnces for me this time around ?

Well I was on my own this time. Pot lucking on a boat with another lady & a chap .None of us knew each other.

I found I really couldn't communicate with 'monosylabic' Bob & spending a lot of time chatting with Gill.

Not that I didn't get on with Bob , but more of a case we were totally chalk & cheese, with little common ground between us. I like to pride myself on being easy going enough to mix with any one. In a confined space such as the boat I think others of less forgiving nature may have struggled.

Gill on the other hand was lovely , a brief moment of shared lives where you end up knowing someone pretty well. Their family , work, hobbies, preferences, wishes & dislikes all shared.

To this day I still know practically nothing about Bob. Hey ho.

However back to differences. The last one of these trips I did was with friends. Which was comfortable. No pretense on my part. Just got on & enjoyed it.

This one, on my own, felt like enforced blokedom. (probably no such word , but I'm sure the english language is flexible enough to get the point across)

Other than spending a lot of time with the girls in the group walking & talking, the whole experience felt as if I was expected to be overly blokish. I know that may sound odd, but I guess it's just the environment & the expectation of me from the male side of the group. Expectation that I should maybe be little louder, more sarcastic, have the extra drink, etc.

I should be used to it. Many years of rugby clubs & tours should make me aware of the mindset. (not quite so intense) , but to be honest I really can't deal the whole overtly male thing any more.

The ladies mainly had their groups & cliques which I was on the edge of , but not truely a part of .

Which left me stangely out of place & unsettled in the group for a long time.

My open encarseration, after being judged & taken at face value.

Not sure wether Gill had figured me out by the time she had to jump ship. I may never know that.

I think I found my place & acceptance socially when the crews discovered I had been sketching and cartooning their antics. Silly little things that suddenly endear you to a whole group.

I think things became a little easier after that.

In all not a bad trip, I did make some new friends, had some sailing invites down to the south coast, had a much needed rest, saw some amazing places, had some slighly uncormfortable storm experiences & some amazing sails, got frog marched & escorted away from the Albanian border , a proper mixture.

Delphi ...the oracle was out though.

I missed the girl deeply though.
It was a great relief to take off the pretense of the previous month upon my return.

...other happenings

2009-10-03T06:10:00.000-07:00

I have been wandering off & doing things on my own a bit of late . Few evenings out on my own for a change. Away from the recognised crowds & haunts. Not snubbing them , just everyone seems to be branching outward at the moment.

Not first signs of becoming a loner I hope.

However, mid week was a night out with the Hot candys crowd. Ruth had arranged an evening of talk , make up demos & entertainment for all. I know she had been fretting about its sucsess for a while.

She didnt need to worry it was well attended & well recieved by all.

Just a stones throw away from home , back at the Puppet theatre oddly. I had only been there on the Saterday a few days earlier after an absence of some 25 years or so.

Not sure I got the out fit right for the evening , maybe a little overdressed in a full length halter neck & jacket. Never mind I felt comfortable enough & not totally stupid as normal .

I can sometimes be accused of going off into a little world of my own. I think this must have been one of thoes occcations. My mistake was bringing my camera. The building is old, adhoc but definite features, detailed & quirky. All the things I like to look at in architecture. It is filled with puppets hanging from the walls , doors & rafters which give it an oddly morbid, lifeless air, yet stangely appealing.

Each puppet with its own personality, crude or detailed , but all so individual and just a little sad as they hung.

It was nice to chat with the girl behind the bar about the place & the decor. What she thought of a 6 foot tranny wanding around staring at things & taking photos while everyone was elsewhere chatting I'll not know.

I suspect I can be an odd sight , mixed with odd behaviour sometimes.

She didn't bat an eyelid though. Was full of chat & on the face of it fully accepting. My faith in people is going to be restored one day I think at this rate.

Anyhow , I returned to reality. Bit embarracing to be caught being a geek in public. Not sure its socially acceptable to be truthful.
Back to the Do
Our local Macc make up girl came up and gave a demo, which , for once because she talked through every thing she was doing & why she was doing it was really quite compelling to observe. I realise I do not have many of the issues some folk have with hiding shadows & the like, but it was nice to hear her confirm a few things I had worked out for myself with my own overbearing, facial challenges.

Katie stepped up & gave what I would call an enthusiastic talk, but from the heart. She is doing her year of reality check before transition. I met her first on probably my third or fourth time out on my own some years ago. I can percieve some changes in her. Maybe a little less forcefull in her outward convictions. Still can talk proffessionally for England. Not my place to be cynical , but I suspect her transition into full time may have been a little cushioned in so much as she owned the company she worked for & pretty much told her employies to live with it. Few have it so easy with working in my limited experience. However , it was an interesting talk & I'm always glad to hear others perspectives & experiences. One thing that struck me over all was just how happy she was though. Somthing that only comes with getting your thoughts straight. Good for her.

Pequiliar did a little stand up at the end of the evening . Allways fairly informal with Pequiliar & allways good fun. Acerbic, cutting & fun . Just how she is in front of an audience or otherwise. Got to love her for that .

So what now . Well, I'm going to have to put such things behind me for a while. I shall be just under a month at sea taking a yacht on a bit of a cruise around the Med, Agean , Argolic & Adriatic seas before delivering it up to Corfu. It will I think be easier to leave Lara outwardly behind. Althogh onboard people become effectively genderless & just get on with what they have to do. Its also a bit of a social test. To get along with people in a confines situation requires a certain amount of Trust , understanding & teamwork. I think if I bring somethng unexpected to the table it could make for an uncomfortable trip. As yet I dont know the other folk on the crew, so better safe than sorry. Cowardly maybe. We shall see.

...druken debauchary..ish

2009-09-28T15:53:00.000-07:00

For once I skipped a Friday night out. It seems buying new toys leaves you counting the pennies. So, alas some things have to go.
Never mind.

I had planned to go to see Pequiliar Bigtops one woman show at the Wheel, but this clashed with something else I had in mind. Annoying really , but I need a change of scenery every now & again. I'm not a big fan of staleness. Too much of one venue I think would be detrimental to my confidence.

Saterday night I had planned something a little different. A night out at the theatre. Be it only a small one.
Originally I was just going to go on my tod. (Tv's can be lone creatures of the night, it's true)
, but a friend invited me along with her party. Which was really nice of her. I'm still coming to terms with acceptance from others. The girls are really cool about it though. Nifty.

So the plan changed. We would all meet at Ruths, drinkies & get ready. Sounds good to me :O) .
I walked out the door trying to be a little more demure than the evening planed ahead. So it was black tunic top & leggings. The merest wash of makeup , light foundation , & minor eyeliner. I'm still desperately trying not to draw attention, especially around my home area. Plus it just seems inappropriate to be too overboard during the daylight hours. Demure it is then.
Any way , quick drive across the city. (so happy I got the girliest car I think I could get away with )
Arrive a litle early . Doh, always my way. Bad habbit. Glad to say Ruth was fine , & Im happy to find her buzzing about finding someone. Good . Everyone deserves to be happy :O). The homemade wine would certainly have helped me there.

The show for the night was a Burlesque Cabaret. It was being put on in the Norwich puppet theatre. Odd venue & the entertainment may be a little out of keeping . Well yes considering that the theatre is the medieval church of St James almost directly below the cathederal. I gather they had held a few of them and these had been recieved well enough. We would see.

The girls turned up. Drinks,chat & getting ready. Corsets , heels & stockings seemed to be the order of the day. Not so much a trashy look for the evening , but just risque. As the girls slipped into their corsets I have to admit a little boob envy reared it head. :O) & despite Ruth complaining she didn't have enough to filly out she looked lovely, as did Chrsty & Karen.
Bit of a new experience for me, being part of the girly pre party session. It's certainly not the tranny atmospere I've been exposed to in the past. Far more pleasent.

After a lot of chat , a bit of camera posing , we set off, arriveing fashionably 20 mins late . oops.

The show is pretty good though . Fast paced , lots of acts. Illusionists, comedy acts that ranged from strangely funny to downright, intrueigingly bizaar ,
Musical numbers from the living doll. Got to be seen that one. The compare kept things alive. Randon poetry, plenty of good humoured heckling & witty response gave a good atmosphere.
Strip ballet was a new one on me. No full nakedness, but twirling nipple tassles somehow retaining an air of taste.

The venue itself I loved. Not been in the place since I was probably 11. & its what you would expect of a medieaval church. quirky building , high vaulted hall, but with the decoration of puppets & odd stage props hanging around the walls. Colour against the white wash walls. Loved it.

Interval music had very much a jazz theme , low enough to talk , loud enough to enjoy. They just managed to get things right.

The second half , stranger and strangerer . Penguin ventrilaquisum combined with trumpet & teapot playing was a sight to behold. The final act though made the evening.
Very much a Sally Bowels Cabaret moment, Top stuff.

The evening went on after the show. Drinks in the bar. The Dj was playing a mix of upbeat Jazz & swing & jive numbers which hade folk up on their feet. This created such A good vibe in the place . I caught my self smiling

As for Dancing , well I discovered trying to jive in a satin pencil skirt & five inch heels on an uneven stone floor was not the easiest of trick to pull off. Didn't stop me trying .

The only thing that marred the evening . Karen getting a little too much attention from one chap , which I could see her getting uncomfortable over. I should have done the decent thing & changed seats with her. I almost felt I had to appologise for the guys over attention.

Nevermind , overall a good evening and considering it was a completely straight venue I was pretty much accepted. I think I only heard , 'oh it's a guy' the once from one of the hen night girls. I can live with that . :O)

Got to thank the girls though , they made my evening. :O)

...yarrg

2009-09-22T22:55:00.001-07:00

Dammit I forgot 'international Talk like a pirate day'

Yarrg :O(

...Surgery

2009-09-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine shall be undergoing SRS in a few days time.

It is only a little over a year since she declared herself to the greater world.

At the age of 19 it all seems so very fast to me.

Im happy for her, but also worried for about what she is about to undertake.

Having had to undergo major surgery myself, (not through choice & not quite the same of course), this shall be of a simular devistating scale in my eyes.

Its a big, bold & not without consequences step.

I truely feel bad a bout having mixed feelings.

Fear , hope , happiness.

I wish her well.

...nibble by nibble

2009-09-21T12:33:00.000-07:00

Nibble by nibble , eating away at inhibitions.

I am to a degree a little more confident , no wrong & too strong a word. I am a little more comfortable with the whole public affair.

I find myself stepping out into what I once considered the 'wild side' on an increasingly regular basis.

Probably 6 or 7 times a month, which on the face of it may not seem much , but it's more than some folks social lives I guess. Certainly more than my shyer alter egos.

To date I've suffered no major set backs , a little wobble in confidence here & there and a few close shaves with people I would rather not know the un-cloaked me for now , but otherwise all positive.

At the moment the pros have outweighed the cons which makes the pain of bad experience shorter lived.

Im trying to nibble away at my self imposed limitations. Leap metal barriers one at a time, but at my own pace. I figure this is not a race. No prize for being me to be won other than happiness. I can test the waters , see how the ripples effect me and gauge a suitable reaction.

I see friends all around me now, taking leaps and bounds in their lives. Im so pleased, elated yet jealous & scared for them at the same time. I'm amazed at what deluge of wildly recipricating emotions I'm awash with of late. A confusion of from absolute elation to dark desperation. (However that's the extremities & none of us can live there with any level of reasoned sanity.)

Little things pushing me; what I assume is forward; may seem over emphesised and play on my emotional state, because it's just because the little things that mean so much.

Walking to see friends while I didn't have a car. Passing folk on the street with no adverse reaction. The odd genuine smile from someone. All just small things, but little-big things to me.

I suppose I pushed myself a further last week. Dinning out in a busy public restaurant. Nowhere to run . Nowhere to hide. Walking into town was no problem, likewase the restaurant , dinners & staff were all good. Relaxed would be a good description.

Thinking on this afterward. I think the leap I took that made me happiest was not pushing boundries , but one of being normal.

I think that is what I am seeking more than anything.

...de-tuned

2009-09-19T03:07:00.000-07:00

...Life in general

2009-09-15T11:05:00.000-07:00

I seem to have gotten away with wearing Shinny nail varnish all of last week without comment.

Some times I think I do things with a secret destructive desire to get caught. Stupidity really.

Anyway. This week has been another mixed one. Getting my new car on Monday was a good start.

Well I thought it was cute.

Friday night I was considering going out. Always in two minds. Nothing had been arranged so it was just going to be me. I got ready anyway. Black Trousers , black blouse & a bit of bling. Walked off to the Wheel. Oh I know I don't need to walk now , but just felt like it. I had a bit of a moment. I have a friend who drives Exec taxis in the evenings. I recognised the car as it pulled up in the road opposite. Im not really wanting my alter ego to be known at work just yet so it was a quick walk into the shadows & a look at the sky as I passed by. I don't suppose I was spotted. The perils of stepping out close to home I guess. Ho hum. The heart fluttered a little , but not as flustered as I once would have been.

I wasn't expecting to see anyone I knew out that evening , but it was a nice supprise to find Racheal, Jenny & Kat out side in the garden. Cool as the evening was It was still a pleasent enough spot to chat where you can hear yourself.

Kat Does make me smile. Jenny's daughter. They have pretty much come out at the same time . Kat seems still to be on a high about it all. She had turned out looking very smart, Newley croped hair , Black jeans, long black coat, New mens shoes, white mens shirt, thin tie, waist coat, big smile & full of hyperactive chatter. I'm glad for her. I seems the mental release of finally being true to herself has been a big release. If I ever needed proff that the gender disillution goes both ways Kat is the obvious evidence to me.

It ammuses me that what seem to me quite significant moments in peoples lives can be just dropped into the conversation in an everyday manner.

Rachel off to see the gender specialist for her second appointment, Valarie; whom by then had bounded; casually mentions she had changed her name by d-poll. Perhaps I place too much emphesis on such events ?

Micheala turns up, followed by Tania & Dusty. So what turned out to be an unknown evening turns into quite a crowd. Which makes me happy as Im in the middle of the conversations for once , not on the out side looking in.

Anyway , all good fun.

Photos in the street with drunk girls :O) Oh dear. But they were sweet.

Saterday was baking cakes day. Well cakes are expected at work for all birthdays.

Slightly less girly , but a gentle day.

I took a drive out in the new car. Just me & my camera.

There is nothing nicer than a drive on a warm day along the North Norfolk coast.

Tried to get some reasonable shots of the Binham ruins , all a little flat though. :O(

Saterday evening was a spur of the moment meal out.

I'm not one for celebrating birthdays , but I conceded for once.

Good food and a chat is a tonic in it's self.

A far cry from the previous evening.

I could go on to say Sanday was a bit of a stitch up. Propper bloke day that I wasnt expecting. I ended up Leading a sailing course, but I wont bore with the details of that one.

Just to say Life in general has a contrast for me. It gently moves from male to female in waves.

...Waiting for the roar

2009-09-09T12:49:00.000-07:00

I must say I am over eagerly awaiting the begining of October with some impatients and anticipation now.

Taking on a slow yacht delivery.

A long passage has been planned , this time from the Agean Sea ending up in the Adriatic.

For once the journey is not the be all & end all.

I'm just looking forward to life on board again.

The simple routine. Slow , yet oddly rhythmic.

Being restrained, yet free to wander.

Free from the distractions of home for a while will be a relief & possibly a blessing.

I'm not one for running away from myself, It truely achieves nothing but this seems such an inviting idea at the moment.

Maybe just the time away from work , a change of pace & thought process is what I need.

...weekends past

2009-09-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

Just random images from my past two weekends.
Just to prove to myself I have a life beyond Lara.
Just that

...off middle

2009-08-25T14:47:00.001-07:00

Three weeks away from hitting; near as dammit; middle age
and I'm begining to get grumpy about the unfairness of it all.

>:O(

...moving on

2009-08-24T15:14:00.000-07:00

Moving on, but at what pace ?
One that suits me.
Slow.

I spent the evening, in public, in my home town. Not a mile from home, in a totally straight bar this past Friday. Walked to the pub that night , walked onto another with friends. Walked home & through my front door.
Pish pish , Say you. Big deal. Well maybe so.

Consider this though , at the age of 18 I was almost terminally shy. I hardly spoke to anyone in my latter teens. Only family & close friends.
I could not use a telephone, could not speak to strangers.
(I didn't own a telephone until 30 when friends came around one night & installed it)
Basically a bit of a wretched case.

For those that look at these psychological hangups from the out side they may seem so petty & incomprehensible. Believe me they are gut wrenchingly real.

University failed spectacularly for me as a result.

Lara lay mostly latent unit I reach 35. Insanity.

However, here we are some years later , I've forced myself to set aside my shyness, self consciousness, self doubt & fears.

I'm at a point where I can just about make it out in public without folding.

However that's me.
The point of this post was not to be about me, but rather about the friends I've made since Ive ventured out.
This week in particular has made me proud of them all.
One has made her first in roads en-route to transition, One has gone full time , One has taken a further step down the transition road.

They are moving on with their lives & I am immensely happy for them all.

This is probably not my path , but I can admire the confidence & commitment & self belief they all have.
It's one thing to know inside this is the right thing , it's another to make it happen.

Moving on at their own pace ,but leaving a positive wake.

...just bits of my week

2009-08-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

I'm being Random , because it appears nature is too & I can no more escape that than I can the sky.

...friendships crushed

2009-08-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

I lost a dear friend today. :O(

Despite my close relationship for the past 12 years or so; one I won't miss I'm sure.
Well I'm reasonably sure.
Maybe a bit of a tug at the heartstrings.

ok, I'll miss the small idiosyncrasy's, the peculiarity's, familiarity & the thousand & one other things I'm sure will become apparent with absence.

,but I've got to this decision simply by weighing up the pros & cons of this companionship and in the end it is fully my decision. No Regrets. No Remorse.

Always being there, not in a faithful way as such , but never let me down either is a big thing that I may have taken for granted.
Never asked anything of me directly.

The requirement for constant small attention was always irritating. The financial drain too, high maintenance some would say, but what do you do ?

The more than obvious age problem was a little embarrassing , dare I say strange noises & smells (not a fault really, it just happens)

In truth it's just come to that point, time to part. Natural ending I guess.

So its off to the crusher for it & I'm back on my bicycle I guess.

...reality

2009-08-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

After my weekendings inner traumas Iv'e withdrawn back to the garden.
It's amazing what a little sun and trivial distractions can do for a bruised state.

Forgetting myself for two days now I've been sitting in the sun , walking , playing with the camera, chasing butterflies & even picking up my guitar after a three month abstinance.

Little things , but familiar, comforting & welcome.

...Id, ego and super ego fucked

2009-08-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

Confidence it appears is a fragile thing.
This takes an age to find an a moment to loose.

I need to discover which ever part of the psyche has control this irrational emotion & give it a thoroughly good thrashing, because by now this is something I should have put behind me, for better or worse.

...oh my goodness...

2009-08-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

I do like to check What Katie Wore most days.
Lovely Idea
Some times good results, sometimes bad . Fashion is all subjective though I think, & I have no real place to comment.
Today I think she went tranny on us

...card

2009-07-30T10:59:00.000-07:00

Birthday card for a friend.
I tend to do silly cards for all my friends ,but
this will be the first signed by Lara.

:O)

...and not a lion in sight

2009-07-27T12:10:00.000-07:00

I did my first Pride this weekend.
Well when it practically walks within a mile of your front door how can you not.

Bit of a mixed day to be honest.
Started off doing the most blokish things so far this year. Buying a new car.
Something I once told myself I would never do, but then I said that about walking around in public in a dress I recall.

So the morning was a whole bit of a rush .
Back home at 11:45 , rushing round getting ready to attend the picnic in the park which was due to assemble at 12. I figured with the best will in the world I wasn't going to make it.
Anyway , my best endeavours I was out of the door at 1:15 looking to say the least a little bland.
I was aiming for this to be truthful. Pale eyeshadow ,dark mascara, no liner, the lightest of foundations, bare lips. Girls jeans & skinnyish tee shirt Hair tied back.
This was to be my first trip into the heart of the busy city.
Silly really. I've been out a fair bit into public spaces , around crowds of people & for some reason when alone, sometimes I still freeze. Self conscious bulls**t left over from my youth I think.

Anyway grabbed the car (lazy I know) rushed to the city centre , cursing that all car parks were full. Decided to park up in the the new shopping mall. Never been inside before & found this was a truly poor move.
Ok , now 1:45 & the picnics due to finish at 2:00pm when the march was going to set off.
....and this is where I messed up. I got lost. I had removed my glasses purely for vanity's sake & left the car behind not thinking to check levels or rows. Firstly couldn't find my way out of the hot car park, then the shopping mall itself. Cursing my stupidity at forgetting my contacts & because I could not see the exit signs.
I finally found daylight & like walking off the carousel came out in an utterly foreign direction , confused, agitated & feeling unduly rushed.

Made through the throngs & to the empty park save for a few balloons & lingerers.

This time I just followed my ears, the procession wasn't to far.

I caught up nearing the end. Within a few hundred meters or so . Not a long procession I'll admit, but I think its more about presence than anything else?.

Now this is where I had a peculiar moment or two , which I've posthumously reflected upon. Always a bad thing.

In the end I watched as all strode past, smiling & waving in the sun, steel band rhythmically chiming away.
I found myself wondering if I truly belonged here. Mixed feelings of should I be proudly marching along, should I have some affinity with all these folks?.
I know that may sound a terrible thing to say.

LGBT. I only really apply to one category there. And is that one "category" really me? So I wonder what I should be showing off. Who I am ?. I've never really been proud of who I am.

I vaguely saw some friends in the crowd & really wanted to support them . Happy for them . But as usual I hesitated. Moment gone.

Just wandering along in the crown of onlookers was a casual friend Penny. I asked if she was joining in . She appeared to be happy to just watch from the sideline. I remember feeling some relief at this. A confirmed transsexual doesn't feel the need to express herself , perhaps I am justified in my hesitation. I can thank her for that & will do when I next see her.

In all my rush I had forgotten I was in town looking for all the world quite androgynous.
Maybe I'm too short sighted to notice if folk are giving me a second glance or care. I hear nothing said.

Ive spectacularly failed to take photos at the cabaret that evening. Diane parading while doing her act, at which point I think I almost passed out with the heat.

I ran into a few friends during the evening & now in fully girl mode

By the evenings end, I had restored a little of my faith that I'm not totally on my own on the outside all the time . Perhaps in some way I do belong .

...questions

2009-07-20T10:40:00.000-07:00

I question whether it's time to stop all this when each time I return hope I'm struck with a deep melancholy.

...it might happen

2009-07-15T09:54:00.001-07:00

...if I'm lucky. :O)

...why ?

2009-07-09T14:58:00.000-07:00

Tommorrow I shall be going out shopping in Norwich.
This shall be a first .

Note: This is not a pseudo twitter. I just dont have much more to blog on anything at the moment.

...pushme pullyou

2009-07-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

This week has been a tale of being pulled from one thing to another.
For a person who's life has a level of excitement that means opening a new jar of jam is an event the week has been relatively busy.
Work has been such now redundancies have been made that free time is at bit of a premium now.
So my cartoon blog has not been updated for several days , with ever growing gaps between.
Laras been ignored mostly.
I haven't thought about taking a boat out during the evenings for weeks now.
All a bit sad really.
I put this all right this week.

Thursday/Friday/Saturday.
I started the week in a pit of a panic. Getting things ready for a 50th birthday celebration.
Not an individual, but the children's sailing school.
The great & the good of the county were coming along which means I sort of get the short straw as I'm pretty much in charge of maintaining operations.

Never mind. All got done with help. The day went without hitch.
Plus there was sun, sailing, tea and cake, so that was pretty much my day complete

It was nice to have a small fleet of Bitterns return to the water to race on the day. These were commissioned 50 years ago as training boats for our association. About 20 still survive, 10 showed up to race , so pretty good going. (I just loved the bright yellow of the sail cloth against the sky. )

Sunday was a relax day . The odd thing is I spent most of the day, casual in jeans , blouse hanging round the house doing chores , reading & not much else.
I say odd because I just generally don't dress when at home any more.

Monday, work,work, food shopping & crashed out. Didn't even open a new jar of Jam to make the day better. :O(

Tuesday saw me helping out my friend Ruth who's putting together a collection of clothes for sale on her new web site. Still early days for her, but I was happy to help out. Well, done the typical tranny thing & jumped at the chance of a dressing up session. (Quite why she wanted a troll not sure, I expect it was to give a contrast to the clothes).
Anyway , had great fun , myself & my friends Sally & Val. My first make over. Which was a bit of a practice run as it was Christines(Ruths' assistant) first too. We all start somewhere.
Not 100% on the result , too much blusher I thought , I never wear the stuff, so maybe that why photos seemed odd.
Sally On camera was organising the photo shoot in the next door neighbours garden , quite what the neighbours thought of it all I'll not know. Two giggling girls & three giggling trannies running around the garden. Im sure it looked as odd as it seemed.
More photos indoors, a little more difficult in a room no bigger than a rabbit hutch's en suite.
All good fun & chatting into the night went on a little longer than expected( finally left at 3pm oops)

Wednesday. Not satisfied with a night out on Tuesday. Decided to go out Wednesday too.
Popped along to the pub, was supprised & happy to see a few unexpected friends turn up too. Always makes for a nice evening. Another late night Home at 12ish + bed by 2am. Which normally would not be too big a deal, but.....

Thursday morning, up & out of bed at 6am, eyes probably open ay 6:15 as I stumbled around quickly packing gear ready for my lift a 7.
Drove down to Southhampton & grabbed a yacht ready for a few days racing on the Solent.
Another new one on me. I've raced yachts before, but never on congested tidal waters before.
Well to save you the boring details this was a corperate event that was a little more lavish than I had expected. Being told to grab a jacket & tie before I left home should have given the game away I guess. Anyway Two evenings of wining & dinning, two mornings of large breakfasts & two days of racing sort of finnished me off a bit.
The one thing that pleased me was that 12 of the other 14 boats in the regatta had proffessional helms doing the racing. we took it on ourselves & came third overall, only half a boats length from second.

To cap things off, we were given pink as racing colours.
Made me smile inside a little :O)

Sunday Was unfortunately no let off. Back home. Back on the water with a course to teach. but the sun shone again.

Monday , Tuesday back to work. Which leaves me here blogging , tired & starting over again.
What to wear out Wedensday Night :O) ?

...boundries

2009-06-20T01:06:00.000-07:00

A few boundaries were crossed last night, small steps maybe, but they are all slowly being whittled away.

A, just wandering up to the local shop during the evening with a few friends when they wanted cigarettes may not be a big thing , but its a little more public that I considered. (or didn't didn't really consider at the time as it turned out. ) No large holes opening up, no traffic stopping, no jeering crowds. Another thing taken into stride without much thought.

Being dressed close to home has always been a bit of a no no for me. We all have our reasons and hangups I guess.
Well 'The Castle' is possible 150 yards from home , one always to be avoided until last night. Well it turns out it's a really nice place now. Not the pub of my teenage years.
Bit of a cabaret on last night which I suppose is not the norm , but was pretty good fun.
Dance floor , not too loud. Quiet spots around to sit . All very nice.
Straight folk , gay folk ,not too many trannies, all very welcoming , so cool.

11:30ish The call went up & off to the Castle

Being dressed close to home has always been a bit of a no no for me. We all have our reasons and hangups I guess.
Well 'The Castle' is possible 150 yards from home , one always to be avoided until last night. Well it turns out it's a really nice place now. Not the pub of my teenage years.
Bit of a cabaret on last night which I suppose is not the norm , but was pretty good fun.
Dance floor , not too loud. Quiet spots around to sit . All very nice.
Straight folk , gay folk ,not too many trannies, all very welcoming , so cool.

last boundry for the evening,I ditched the car & walked home dressed, bugger the onlookers .

(.....well it was 2ish in the morning, may be not so brave)

...Penguin problem.

2009-06-08T11:17:00.000-07:00

...some where along the line this idea got twisted maybe.
Its all a little blurred.

...red day

2009-06-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

Been experimenting with a little more colour of late.
Desperately trying not to be the little thing in black all the time.
If youre going to stand 6' 1" tall in the crowd being overly noticed , why not make it an over blown statement as your cover is pretty much blown anyway.

In truth I think I have a latent envy going on for Katie.(and what she wore)
Wishing I could get away with or have the chance to get away with her style & guile.

However, envy in it's forms is a poor burden to carry , and in any case we are back to the unwritten rules that guys really arn't supposed to make such peacock like statements.

:O(

Rough winds did shake....

2009-05-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

...the darling buds of May.

The may long weekend. Was to say the least a busy one.

Quite at random & purely egged on by the fact it was a nice sunny day a spontaneous Lara took a walk in the daylight , along the Broads & around the fields.
Ok, not much in the way of excitement & really wild things , but liberating in its own way for me.

The warm summer breeze suited my new dress, light & comfortable.
Trying to achieve the feminine with out the tarty aspect.
I have this horrible hang up about drawing attention to myself when out anywhere, but then that's all of me, not just Lara.

As the evening drew in , I drove the 30 miles or so to my mothers Cottage & stayed there for the evening, allowing me to just be Lara for once , no agenda , no hurry to go home.
Just an evening of normal. If there is such a thing.

Come Friday night was a total change.
None the less a good one.
The long drive to Essex.
The chance to spend the weekend with friends, just bimbling about on the estuary in a fleet of small dinghies.
Navigating up & down the inlets of the Blackwater.
Aspects of Sim's life I enjoy as much as Lara's'.
This was a good one. Meals together, sail , conversation , & wind down drinks with friends.
One of those short periods of time I can look back on with fondness & shared experience.
All to rare for me these days.

Monday the day of rest. An extra day off eating into the working week.
Good for me.
Taking things easy with Lara .

...the darling buds of May.

...moon river

2009-04-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

No point or agenda to make.
Today I'm just in a happy mood. No reason.

When I'm happy I draw silly things.
It makes me happy.
A sort of non-vicious circle.

Wonderful world :O)

(Apologies if this blog has turned into a cartoon strip , but when you've not much to say what do you do ? )

Silly cow

2009-04-27T12:34:00.001-07:00

I never thought I was one to have compulsive cliche'd moments, until I realised just how short a dress I had brought the other day.

Tsk. Free thought is always the first thing to go.

...hmm. Ok .

2009-04-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

Hmm, did the COGIATI test, well was sort of told I just had to give it a go.

Not the sort of thing I would bother with , but gave it a go.....well the cool kids told me too & I have little free will.

Odd thing this one. Maybe not the run of the mill internet test, but still pretty thin.
I with my very narrow mind could could see this one was being steered into asking the same 5 or so similar questions over and over. Quite what is supposed to be attained by doing this I'm not sure. Maybe a verification of previous answers ?
It just seems a little odd to base a personality test, all be it a fun one on such a narrow band of questioning.

Still , I answered & as honestly as I could think to. Al low score in the scope of things.
Not sure that I can read much into it, or take it for more than the face value that it deserved.

Result below, just suggests I'm a bit grey.

Your COGIATI result value is: 95 Which means that you fall within the following category:

COGIATI classification THREE, ANDROGYNE

What this means is that the Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory has classified your internal gender identity to be essentially androgynous, both male and female at the same time, or possibly neither. In some cultures in history, you would be considered to be a third sex, independent of the polarities of masculine or feminine. Your gender issues are intrinsic to your construction, and you will most likely find your happiness playing with expressing both genders as you feel like it.

SUGGESTIONS FOR ACTION:

Your situation is a little tricky in our current society, but not tremendously so, depending on your geographic location.

The suggestions for your circumstance are not overly complicated.

If you have any comfortability about your gender expression, some slight degree of counseling might well prove helpful. The primary goal would be to make it possible for you to enjoy your gender expressions free from any shame or embarrassment, and to resolve any remaining questions you might have.
As an androgynous being, both genders, and both sexes are natural to your expression. Permanent polarization in either direction might bring significant unhappiness. It is not recommended that you go through a complete transsexual transformation. You might find a partial transformation of value, if you find yourself more attracted overall to the feminine. You are more likely a transgenderist, than a transsexual. It is recommended that you recognize that your gender issues are real, but that extreme action regarding them should be viewed with great caution.
If you have not already, consider joining any of the thousands of groups devoted to gender play of various varieties. There is literally a world of friends to discover who share your interests. There are also publications, vacations, and activities that would expand your gender play.

Are these things worth anything to anyone ?, other than the fun of them, because if someone out there is putting some value to this kind of thing then I suppose I should find it a bit of a worry.

...in passing

2009-04-16T10:17:00.001-07:00

Ok, so Dennis didn't make for a convincing rabbit,.
Some of us muttons never will
....,but at least he felt bunny.

It's a trick I can possibly pull off better than some , but worse than others, & I suspect that's a subjective opinion dependant upon the observer.

The question is why do we put ourselves through the embarrassment of feeling so foolish in front of others ?
...and why do I care ?

I'm coming to the conclusion that the greatest trick to be pulled off by any tranny is the art of being comfortable with inner yourself despite how convincing the outer may or may not be.

...fresh fields

2009-04-14T11:46:00.001-07:00

I've been mulling, churning & thinking things over for the last few days. I realise keeping things in your head is not so good.

The situation that stands is that I was aware letters of redundancy were being prepared all in line with correct procedures & consultancy times. This is the second time this yer.
Out of the 50 of us I was one of ten that did not receive a notice.
(although I'm also quite aware that of those 40 only 18 positions are under threat)

Now I'm not so naive as to think 'oh I'm special', I just think I'm in a lucky position that the company would very naive to remove my job until the last dying breath of the company.
...but the company could still die.

This has got me thinking though .
Its all very well be specialist & not easily replaced, but this brings it's problems.
Jobs for specialist are few and far between. I don't want to move away from my home & county again.

So what does a one trick pony do when the circus stops ?

What happened when the dinosaurs could not adapt ?

Time to plan & think of alternatives , adapt & bend.
The problem is , I understand this, Im so used to seeing my way around problems, & finding lateral solutions within my job but looking from the inside out it's hard to see how to bend.

Time will tell.

bleh !

2009-03-30T14:53:00.000-07:00

Is there a tranny version of cabin fever ?

I need to get out.

Bleh !.

(This should probably be a twiter, but I don't twitter)

...reflection

2009-03-23T00:03:00.000-07:00

Upon a very good nights sleep & reflecting on my weekend Ive come to the conclusion the last few days ups & downs don't really matter a whole lot in the big scope of things.
Just annoyances & irritations , the world still goes on.

Not going to mope, Just be happy & smile.
Bring on the week & all it can throw at me.

...to be forgotten

2009-03-22T15:15:00.000-07:00

A week that to be honest should be forgotten.

The £435-00 gas bill (estimated) arrived this week.
After peeling myself from the ceiling I got to getting the readings confirmed straight away.
Upon opening the cupboard was when I first smelled the gas leak.

A nice night out for Lara on Wednesday & another planned for the Saterday.
Well Sat arrives after a long long working week for which a planned new hospital being built has extremly late in the day come a cropper over planning. My secure job for the next 2 years has now been brought into doubt.

So Saterday should be a welcome distraction.
Got ready , Waited for the all quite, & done the dash to the car & away.
Half way there & at one of the busiest roundabouts in town the timing belt breaks on the car & spreads the some of the more important internal engine components down the road & leaves me holding up a busy nights traffic.

Well I can honestly say youve never seen anyone defrock so quickly within the front seat of a car. ( I'm glad I have the fore thought sometimes for leaving other clothes in the car)
I dont know whether I should call it lucky , but most folk seemed happy to just drive past a stricken vehicle. Glad for the quirk in society for once.

Ok initial panic over, still in half & half mode & jump out & try to push the think off the road.

At which point some kind soul does stop to help. We get it onto the path , not easy , no power stearing & nice heavy deisel engine (in bits).
I thank him & get a very peculiar look for my very peculiar appearance.

Taking stock.
Car off the road
Next move Get rid of makeup.
Done in the dark droping for plain tissues. not a clue if this has come off.

This is when the tap on the window comes.
The car has been recognised, the chap who sits next to me at work & his father are standing beside the car.
I cannot describe the lowness of this point.
I get out , Its dark & I explain the situation. No odd looks.
Which seems odd. It may have been dark enough
Well I agree to a lift to my parents house only a mile away. Happy in the knowlege that they are not there for the night.
Thank the guys as they drop me off & skulk into the night.

No one home , good start.
Get to the bathroom. I appears & havd made a pretty good job. no trace of eye makeup , maybe a little foundation left , but that would not have been seen in the dull light.

Removing all traces of Lara, I make a call & was grateful to get some help towing the car off the roundabout.
10-pm. Good night.

I stayed at my Parents house that night , Sorted things with them in the morning.
I was due to be starting a sailing session 9 am Sunday , No time to cancel.
Agian grateful to my mother for bowwing her car . On Mothers day of all days. (Not supposed to take advantage like that >:O( )

So part 3.
Sailing.
Windy day.
The boat I have been restoring over the winter is taken out with a new crew.
Leaning over the front deck to release a trapped line he punches a hole through the bow tank.
Not good.
To make matters worse while sailing back we run across something in the water & damage the rudder.
While reaching over the back of the boat to sort this out , a gust hits us . Were out of position at this point & over she goes.
So while righting it the chap breaks the internal wooden support strut just to add to the chaos.

Tonight I am going to go to bed.
Sleep well.
Not worry in the slightest these things have happened
and hopefully start a new week afresh.
I see not point in worrying over things , what will be will be.

I shall see tomorrow

...base of happiness.

2009-03-19T12:00:00.001-07:00

There is a shallowness to many truths.

....Says Lara(bubblegirl)

...Geeks, Muggles & the Ring of Fire

2009-03-15T01:32:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a bit of a disjointed affair In so much as several sides of me that simply don't meet face to face were competing along side each other.

Geeks

A quick flit home from a Friday night out saw me grabbing cameras & assorted paraphernalia from my flat & running out the door again.
The first call of the day was the other side of the county. The first flickr group meet of the year.
A sunny day , bit breezy . Just right for a walk along the North Norfolk coast.
I cant explain the Norfolk coast to anyone who has not witnessed it, but it has an overly calming effect on me, in the way that many big empty spaces do. I think it may be a decluttering of modern life , because the landscape is essentially featureless in great parts . Which I love.
I digress.

I don't know why , Ive done all but one of these Flickr meetings for the local Norfolk group since they started a few years ago.
I cant put my finger on why I like them .
They are different every time I guess. The geeks (I shouldn't say that should I ) are not full on camera club folk, mostly happy bumbling about with the simple equipment they have (like me).
There is no real fixed agenda , & it's interesting to see other folks perspective of a day . A slightly different take of the same subject matter.

The main channel to wells harbour. ....and yes it is low tide.

The local birds

The local chaps

I can't to get away from boats. I seem to live my life around them , sailing , repairing, teaching photographing. Dreadful obsession

Beach litter....Norfolk style.

So , nice meeting . Met a few old friends, some new.
Had a pleasant walk & took photographs of stuff.
I also ran it to another one of the local trans folk, whom came along to the meet.
I'll admit it took a few seconds to recognise.
So this is the way my lives can rub up against each other sometimes.
I chose for the sake of being discrete not to say anything, & am still unsure whether I was clocked or not. Maybe. If so I hope I didn't make things awkward for her.

A quick thrash back home, with a brief stop off at my parents half way to catch up on the rugby scores. Well this was an excuse to grab a cup of tea really. I'm so shallow.

The evening out had been planned with friends.
Two of them had entered and made it to the finals of the LGBT Talent contest.
Sounds cheesey, well maybe, but both are good musicians & have so much to offer.
So it was new dress , new coat time & out the door again with a spring in the step.
As I finished getting changed The door bell rang, & I waited as the colour drained out of me. It was pretty obvious I was home. All the lights on in the house.
...and so it kept ringing . I'm afraid I was terribly rude & just waited till they gave up.

When I finally got around to sneaking out past the neighbours to the car that is when I discovered that the car had rolled back into the street of its own accord.

Now I knew what the fuss was about !
...and its not easy to sneak out when your the center of attention in the street.

Anyway, not a great photo, but this is my new dress, navy, Thia-dye affair. The Jacket is a waist length military style, black velvet with small brass buttons , which I sort of fell in love with .

Muggles

The evening was held at a local club.
Not a know venue , not one I had been to before , so this was approached with some trepidation.
Essentially a straight club, in a bit of an odd area of the city. Oh well first time for everything.

Well several hundred folk inside & one tranny, was a little ....shall we say intimidating at first .
I grabbed a G&T & found a seat. The bar staff were pleasant at least & had the courtesy not to flinch one bit or do the 'Sir' thing to me. Which was good of them I think.
It was early. The show not due to start for an hour.

Muggles , I think is the popular term for the beige folk in these post potter days. Which ever. It was the first time I've spent in public with so many folk I don't know.
I was glad to spot the odd familiar friendly face as the place slowly filled.

When a chap walked up to me & exclaimed 'I know those legs' It took a few moments to recognise friends in drab. They were all still getting ready for the show, so popped up & disappeared periodically.

Daisy Chainsaw, the face of Welsh drag queens.
(she was not totally unamusing)

Ill not go through each of the acts , just to say Freddie Mercury giving a recital of Barcelona from his dentured, urn was to say the very least Bizzah.
The girls pretty much had their turns ruined by a shoddy sound system & their chances of the £500 scuppered. Oh well.
A fickle judiciary gave some strange decisions, but the winners were whom the crowd shouted for the loudest so . I suppose all was fair in the end.

A few tears at the end , but all was a nice evening .
I plain forgot where I was which was reassuring in retrospect that some of my confidence issues are subsiding.
It was nice to be invited back to the Pub by the owner and her friends.
An offer I accepted. Wouldn't have a few months ago maybe.

Rings of fire

I added these , not because it was a great act, but I just liked the flamey effect I was getting as I fiddled with my camera :O)

The rest of the weekend was just plain sailing.
...but that's just another aspect.

...pecking disorder

2009-02-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

I had what can only be described as a peculiar evening during the week.
Being in a bit of a state of fluster from the days goings on I had had a complete crisis of confidence before I went out and had done the cowardly change back to beige mode.

Setting the scene. This particular Wednesday evening is not a regular night , there were only a few folk around in the pub, most of which I knew, and none of the following has any bearing on them, they are still all nice , decent folk whom I genuinly like.

The evening starts while I'm sitting in the dark corner in my black mood, half a guiness & nose in a book.
I was almost going to stay in the corner with my drink & book, but I finally wandered over & said hello, for fear of being considered rude.

Now the evening was peculiar to me in a number of ways .
The first being , I had not been into the place in male mode since my mid twenties . This really felt a little out of place. The odd feeling you get when you don't belong some where, or you've entered some where your are not supposed to be.

The second was the interaction with folk.
I'm not saying I was ignored , but & this may only be my perception. I felt a certain cooling toward me. One of those evening where you end up listening to conversations while staring at peoples turned backs no matter.
During the night there was a small group, sat around in the upper bar. 4 trannies, 1 TS , 1 pre-op TS, her boyfriend, one genuine girl & her boyfriend (friends of tranny) & myself.

Just watching & observing.
The trannies seemed happy to chat to one another, GG & boyfriend. Slightly cooler to Pre-op & her boyfriend.
Genuine girl seemed really quite chatty with trannies, the boyfriend insisting on calling his friend by male name. No harm seemed to be meant by this that I could see. (although I did note a few corrections during the night)
Genuine girl & boyfriend were pleasant , but there was an element of sneering at TS & boyfriend
Pre op TS , didn't really seem to interact with trannies , but was all over GG but ignored her boyfriend.
Pre-ops boyfriend didn't really interact with anyone except Pre-op & the other boyfriend.
& no-one really spoke other than casually to the non-dressed tranny...me.

....,but here's the odd thing , the same could be said for Ms TS in the room too.
She also had had a sudden crisis & had come in male mode. I can't say I saw anyone in deep conversation with her during the evening, where I know she normally sits chatting quietly often nervously with mostly anyone.

I'm not sure what this says about social hierarchies, pecking orders or what ever you make call it
.How & who people decide who they feel that can interact with. I know I cannot have explained the situation well or in any great detail, but it was for me a little uncomfortable.

I have since pondered, trying to figure out what the social interactions were all about and have come to no real conclusion, other than I'm sure I would not have been so aware, or felt so out of the loop if Lara had been the observer & not Sim.

..wretched

2009-02-18T15:25:00.000-08:00

I learned my lesson tonight.
Don't go out to Laras hangouts while in Sim mode.
I thought I felt rotten when I went out, just feel wretched, rotten & pissed off returning home not en-fem.

...not playing ball

2009-02-16T11:08:00.001-08:00

Be careful what you woof for.......,because life's harsh & throws all sorts of bull your way

...out in virtual silence.

2009-02-15T14:43:00.000-08:00

I seem to have been out and about more & more of late.
There was a time when the urge to just be Lara waxed & wained, yet every time out I felt I needed to explode & tell the world.

Now the urge to go out seems pretty constant (probably because the oportunity arises a minimum of 3 times a month), but the urge to blab about things has , well. Just cooled.
Odd how things switch around.

...I are all confoosed

2009-02-15T14:37:00.000-08:00

In retrospective, missing the first 10 minutes of 'Mulholland Drive' was possibly a bad thing.
Watching to the end & then scratching my head, wondering what it was all about was possibly not the most productive evening I've spent of late.

Now I'm going to have to wait for it to come around again before I can get some kind of resolution on what it was all about.

urg. Small irritants.

...wmd's ?

2009-01-30T10:16:00.001-08:00

Hello , Im Lara & Im a shoe-a-holic.
Its been 30 days since my last pair.
Im taking each day at a time.

...wake up dummy

2009-01-29T09:47:00.000-08:00

I had a bit of a wake up today, leaving me with an odd fuzzy feeling somewhere between surprise & self satisfaction.

I shall be the first to admit & I am tyring my damnedest to overcome it, but I do have serious self confidence issues.

Today though I got a bit of a boost, partly by the realisation that; without hopefully sounding pompous; most of the folk in my industry are a bit incompetent or at best lazy....and that I am actually pretty good at what I do.
I guess this should not come as a surprise, I do tend to be a little nerdy & obsessive about working details.
It's not the kind of thing I sit & mull over often though.

The revelation came in a pre-contract meeting, where the engineering consultants were; shall we say floundering (or should that be foundering?). Whichever. I found myself being played for information & solutions for a project they should have conceived & designed to a far greater degree than that being presented.

I have the answers, so I leave the meeting feeling positive, a bit better about myself . With as I say fuzzy & warm with a little better self esteem.

....So now I've come home tonight & reflected. Urg , never reflect & ponder. I wonder now, could this just have been extreme laziness on their part?
Let the sucker do our work for us ?

So down goes the self confidence levels again , pushed out of the way by rising levels of cynicism.

...surprise bride

2009-01-28T15:29:00.001-08:00

I popped out tonight; back to the....I would guess you call it a dressmakers shop for want of a better phrase.

The lovely Carmen , Heather & Ruth once again very buoyant & charming. Sort of gives warm, hope that some women are accepting of our peculiarity's. Once again nice to try stuff on, sample a glass of wine & have a joke. Makes for a pleasant evening. Guilty & paranoia free window shopping.

I got a photo tonight , before the camera went down. Big dress. Not the usual "Lara, hide in the back ground, black" either.
Well it was laying around in the shop , so you get to thinking ,I wonder, well why not just have a look , next moment your struggling with a zip.

So I have reached rung two of the trans-cliche' ladder. A climb I promised myself I would never ascend. Oh well, to err is human To her is no excuse.

One thing tonight that did surprise me. I deliberately walked the quarter mile back from the shop to the car. No cover ups. I appear to have survived. I'm sure I'll find this a bad move when I reflect upon it in the morning.

Odd one out or trend setter ?

2009-01-23T10:46:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be positive & say trend setter.

...Sitting cliche'

2009-01-22T10:18:00.000-08:00

Had a good night out last night, but up early & into work this morning.

I not sure quite how odd I must have looked sitting in the meeting insanely chewing my fingers & sitting on my hands.
,but when I noticed the light pink nail varnish I was at a bit of a loss of what else to do.
(there's an unwritten law that says it's simply not the done thing for chaps)

I believe I have now inadvertently reached stage one of the 'Trans-cliche' ladder.

...this is possibly the last time I get lax & remove make up in bad light.

...rambling stuff, to be ignored

2009-01-19T15:10:00.000-08:00

A peculiar few days. Not odd peculiar, just peculiar in the sense that I've been left in a slight state of dithering.
Head full of problems that require solving, things I've done , should have done, things that are being dumped on me at a moments notice, problems that wont go away because currently I don't have the resource to solve them.
Slightly buzzy mind is what I think I'm trying to get at.

I'm finding work desperately frustrating at the moment.
Periods of idle thumb twirling where I cannot proceed or prepare any further with anything, but with a gut wrenching knowledge that in a few weeks time my working world is going to explode into a frenzy of new projects that all need to be completed simultaneously.
I know now that the scope is beyond my capability given there's a resource of just myself now.
The waiting seems such a waste of lead in time that could simply be put to a better use.

Normally I wouldn't let this get to me, but despite my better judgement it is.
Playing mind games & nagging at me.
I'm all too aware there are greater pressures for performance at the moment. We are all pretending to ourselves that the current situation is purely just hype built up by the media. Well that maybe true to an extent , but the knock on effect of this seem quite apparent.

I don't perform , we don't get the work. Work is not scarce, but good design projects that suit are becoming a premium . Smaller companies being able to undercut where they once feared to tread.
A reduced work load being considered is already leading to potential redundancies with the staff.
All a bit of a bugger. Not really a burden I'm happy with.

My usual stress outlet , go sailing.
Forget it all. This was denied last weekend. The water too hard.

This weekend was another frantic rush around trying to fix a broken car. Not so easy when you cant move it to get it fixed. A week of borrowing & swapping around vehicles so life could function normally has proved a bit of a logistical chess game.

Going out on the Saturday night always has it's own unique set of stresses. Girly stresses that come in so many unexpected forms & catch me unaware.

Maybe running down to the London ship show on Sunday did not help things much.

Staying at home, maybe giving myself a little downtime to relax & reflect should have been a better option.

...100 things

2009-01-11T15:00:00.000-08:00

Crikey, It was December 3 years ago I scribbled a blog containing the 100 things about me. Well I thought I would update that , & shift it across from my mundane daily blog to here , see what difference three years a one gender muddle has made.

I originally did this when I was pretty new to the whole concept & because I was blog surfing a fair bit. I phrased this then by saying I enjoyed glipsing 'breif insights they give into different lives.'

I had noted the shortest way people were doing this was with the "100 things about me" , so this is mine. Re-done 3 year on.

1. Im Blonde, still blonde , but the hairs a little beyond shoulder length now.
2. My mum is Blonde & from Essex. This is still the case. Bless her.
3. I like blonde jokes.
4. I rarely drink. I slip occationally due to trying to be more social. This is still generally true.
5. I go out of my way not to lie. Honesty is a good, not the best policy, but a good policy,
6. I own Two, maybe three yachts,...well sailing boats, ....I mean Dinghies,.... Small Dinghies. ok, Im poor.
7. Even I consider myself odd, and getting odder with age .
8. Im 6" tall & the shortest bloke in my family. Hurumph. Horray for heels. Id be the tallest girl.
9. I like tea. This is possibly the most fundermental truism at the heart if my very being. Gosh aren't I shallow.
10. My car is pink. - the gayest car in the village so I had been told. (well its my mums car now.)
11. Im not gay. (This may supprise some people). I am slightly more out about my girls side now, although I am in no way pushing this into the faces of folk I know I dont really want to hurt.
12. Im single, again. (and again and again and again. Isn't life lonely )
13. Im cynical and sarcastic.
14. Despite several qualifications in English at school, I stel can't Speell. n that haint emprovereded wi tyme. (starting to despise phone text spelling BTW)
15. "dancng naked in the moonlight" , gosh I haven't the energy for all that any more.
16. My conversations are rarely serious or linear.
17. I like tea.
18. Im a music junkie.
19. I detest vanity & selfishness in people. ......Says the selfish , vain tranny
20. I dispair at society......Well I think society would probably dispairs at me too. Touche'.
21. I have no pets.
22. I tend to kill plants, even plastic ones.
23. My favourite colour changes with my opinions. I like fickle pink at the moment
24. I like to make fun of the French & Welsh, but quite like the Welsh.
25. I've become far more concious of my appearance. Certainly in female mode.
26. I have many, many aquaintances, but few close friends. I think some things are improving slowley, but this is still mostly true.
27. I have ten toes & half a belly button.
28. I not good with people initially......I should say I'm pretty bloody awkward & mostly at a loss for words around folk I don't know well.
29. I have become a net potatoe.
30. I don't own a television set. 8 or 9 years now, but Ive conceded to BBC iPlayer of late.
31. I tend to doodle in my lunch hour at work. An annoying habit.
32. I really do like tea. Its so true.
33. I don't belive there is a god. I jokingly describe myself as an Agnostic fundamentalist. Non devil dodger, However I like the concept of a religion providing a set of rules from which society needs to function.
34. My family moto is "Heres to us & F.T.R." (thats fuck the rest) This was my Grandmothers doing . Seriously!
35. I have one brother who's now a bit older that the last time I wrote this. .....oh wait. Doh.
36 At the age of 33 I gained a secret sister. I learned this at a wedding along with fathers' shocked second wife. Well at the age of 38 I lost a step mother & am still waiting to find out why .
37. Im happy & content....ish. In a sort of happy ,but slightly frustrated at my life kind of way.
38. I can be a little niave. Which improves with time dosen't it ?
37. I once set fire to my school playing field, accident of course. Transvestite fire pixie, your worst nightmare.
38. Im too slim for a chap, getting fatter, too fat for a girl . What else sucks ?
39. I used to play rugby , In the front row as a prop forward. It hurt. A lot. I stepped out of this for the last time this year when I finaly came to my senses ( & found some bits of me didn't work very well any more.). This urge I can say has finaly been layed to rest.
40. I've never ever seen my neighbours in the flat below mine. Still true to this day, I do hear them occationally.
41. I like cats , dislike dogs.
42. I play the guitar badly....and getting worse.
43. I can only sing when drunk. Usually on tables. (Hence see point 4)
44. Im a qualified senior sailing instructor, this frightens the hell out of me with large groups of childen as my responsability. This is getting a little easier with time.
45. Despite my religous standing I am a Godfather. I was tricked!, but I believe in the purpose of the post. ( Actually this is twice now :O) )
46. My lack of opinions over things Iv'e considered pointless or trivial in the past has calmed recently. Although I could never see the point of high fashion for example, I'm find myself increasingly looking at the world with a slightly more female perspective. Finding I get annoyed with small things that just don't match. Not a good description . I find it hard to explain this one. This has not fully overriden point 13 however.
47. Never had a seroius relationship. This makes me sad, but the selfish side of me likes being single & doing what ever the hell I like.
48. I have no regrets. (Well one, Helen Johnson. sigh)....this is an awefully long sigh.
49. Never taken drugs. Although people would disagree.
50. Have three tatoos. Not intentional. Stabbed three times with a pencil as a kid.
51. I have the travel fever. Ive been all over the world ,but never further north than New Castle in England. Go figure !.
52. I appreciate good photography, although Im pretty bad at it myself....I hope I'm learning though.
53. Im self depreciating.
54. I have far less vital organs than I was born with. Thanks Cancer. Athough this saved my life.
55. I feel better than James Brown. No, really I do. ....although James has ceased to feel so good.
56. I stopped running again. It appears my knees have other ideas on the subject of exersize.
57. Im silly.
58. I like jelly babies ,bovril and increasingly exploring Lara apparently.
59. Don't like sprouts, Marmite or the guys who keep hitting on me regularly on line, Grrr. Damn right.
60. I tend to live life on the outskirts of society, looking in, but secretly would rather be part of it. I'm feeling increasingly isolated by the whole gender muddle though. The friends I have made do help this though. Not directly by any means , just by accepting who I am.
61. Don't watch telly, but love movies & read too much.
62. I dropped out of University, but am a self taught mechanical design engineer.
63. Don't own a telephone, what does that say about me ?.......Im behind the times apparently.
64. Like to be out doors......this kind of applies to both sides of me now I guess :O).
65. Need to be doing somthing. Anything to keep my mind happy.
66. I am terrible at small talk , because I can't be bothered with it. Im trying to rectify this, I suspect this is probably the root of points 47 & 12.
67. love meeting interesting people. Which I appear to have done a lot of as of late.
68. Good listener I think. People for some reason ask me for advise. As if I know anything.
69. Stopped drawing and painting for a long while because of social pressure. I realise this was stupid because it made me happy. I've been attempting to rectify this for three years now. Not produced a thing that has made any sense to date , but Im happy.
70. I can't delogate. Control freak I think or like things done my way....and is the girl is a bigger control freak .....or just extreamly paranoid. I can't decide.
71. Genuine Trans folk yay, hairy arsed creepy admirers... yawn.
72. Milk chocolate not dark.
73. Shy. Very. At 20 I wouldnt use a telephone. That level of shyness. I think this is waneing a little . I think iv'e got to an age where I don't particularly care what folk think. Mostly
74. Like children, dont understand them....and they keep getting younger. Whats that about?
75. Ive not decided what I want to do as a career yet. Im only 38!
76. I have no want for material things. Money is only a nescessary evil. Work & money or free time. Give me the time everytime. Despite shopping a little more frequently now I still hold this premis.
77. Hated shopping in male mode. I have a 'seek & destroy' method, know what you need, go get it , get out. done. Things may differ here between us. The girl side looks at shopping in a different light. What goes with what , what colour , can I get away with that etc which makes this a far more personal thing.
78. Don't like clubbing, love rock festivals. Even been to good Jazz festivals if that's not a contradiction.
79. Fav' season : Autunm.
80. Movie Icon : Audry Hepburn. (Swoon)
81. Fav band: OMG its' I think it's Motorhead. Some things will not change although I am softening.
82. Fav' slut.: Wendy James (Transvision Vamp). Every one should have a favourite slut!
83. Fav' marsupial: The Echidna.
84. Secretive... no. I only have the one, which is pretty much out in the open here.
85. Im the only one of my group of freinds still not married. OMG! I'm going to die lonlely. This is rapidly getting truer and truer. (Bed sits, pot noodle & loneliness for me then.)
86. My brother, mother & I have been homless & on the street once. Now we have too many homes to live in at once between us. I belive fortune is a fickle thing. Take your oppitunities.
87. Don't smoke, but I may have mentioned I like Tea.
88. Am an avid sailor ,but am pretty much terrified of the sea.
89. I like to frighten the hell out of myself. Its the adrenaline rush.
90. Last album brought : The Mars Volta Bedlam.
91. Last ablum aquired : Metalicas Death Magnet.
92. Have difficulty with Disney films. Far too Sacharine. Im not going to move my stance on this one.
93. Hate the corperate. I think its the blandness of it.
94. Like being with freinds & just talking. Always the last to leave. Does this make me clingy?
95. Am a really bad cook. I think it's because I can't be bothered with food after I've cooked it.
96. I prefer the utilatarian over the pretty. Dont understand the need for designer labels. This is still true of the girl. ok Im not quite so harsh now. I still dont see the point of expensinve lables just because of a name.
97. Im a different person to each of my groups of freinds. None ever seem to meet...and may this carry on for the time being until im ready or come to my senses over this whole thing.
98. I like spotted dick, the pudding.
99. We all claim to be from somewhere, when at home I claim to be from my native London. Out of Norfolk I will defend the county beyond measure. I don't think I alone in this behavior.
100. I like to smile & joke.
101. I always take things one step too far.

So whats the difference between the two lists, ive tried to keep them pretty much how I wrote in o7. Fundermentally not that much. I think as a person overall I have just moved on. Girl or boy I'm pretty much the same person. The same anxiaty ridden mess underneath the dress.

...its a prettier dress though now.

...Good start to the year.

2009-01-07T15:42:00.000-08:00

I had decided during the week that I was not going to go out on the Wedensday.
I seem to be out at least once a week at the moment.
Surely too much of a good thing is deprecating ?

Anyway, the main reason for this. I had to take a half day off from work today.
Hospital appointment with one of those examinations that is not to be coughed at. No really, I wouldn't dare cough out of place.
Kept waiting, which is always pretty dull. Twice as bad when you turn up early. Never mind. A couple of hours reflective boredom is surely good for the soul ? (Not)

Long and short. All is still clear. This will be about 4 years now.
A few years ago I had to undergo some fairly major surgery once cancer had been diagnosed. The thing I had done is not always successful & I'm told about 30% of folk have some sort of troubles afterward.
I should and do still consider myself extremely lucky. To date not a blip. The results today were pretty instant. Clear . Clear is good. I try to think back & give myself a stiff reminder every now & again that life is pretty harsh & will kick you at every chance.
Celebrate it when it's being good to you.
So I decided I would go out after all. :O)

....but oh. 7pm meant I also had a dental appointment to replace my filling. :O(.
urg...just a coincidental day for these things.

This left things in a bit of a rush to get back home & keep
Reasonably presentable in 3/4 of an hour is pretty good going I thought.
Going out with a numb tongue & face is still pretty odd though.
I'm sure a slurring, drooling, wild haired tranny is a number of peoples worst nightmare.

...New year..chang of tune

2009-01-01T05:30:00.000-08:00

Trying to start new years day a little upbeat.
....Im sure the neighbours wont mind a little noise today :O)

...Unresolved year

2009-01-01T04:43:00.000-08:00

Time for new resolutions ?
Hmm. I'll come back to that.

Not quite sure what to say about new years night.
The 'Oscars' themed fancy dress didn't quite kick off in the pub.
Lots of folk. Very few participants.
Which left me feeling a little overdressed for the evening.

(Retrospective is a terrible thing that should be ignored by the self conscious, road to madness.)

I grabbed a photo before I left the house last night. Should have looked at it before stepping out I think.
Did I say over dressed. Under dressed &
practically naked would be a more accurate optimisation of the phrase. Bare skin should not be my thing.

Anyway , quiet evening. Good to see Pandora, Sally and the one that shall remain nameless.

(no really she didn't have a name, which I kind of admire the lack of pretence)

Anyway , back to a point . Its new year. Resolution time.
Resolutions, Non resolution. I think the only thing that I resolved to do last year was to be a bit more positive about everything.
This is a pretty hard one to judge. I think the mere fact that I'm being wavey on this achievement & have not resolved to do anything for this coming year kind of suggests that was a bit of a failure.

I think I should just carry this one over to this year & add Stop being so vague to the list.

...pretty typical

2008-12-30T03:40:00.000-08:00

Pretty typical luck.

I end up the year with 11 days holiday spare.
So Iv'e taken a few days extra at Christmas & because my guard is down I end up with a rotten cold. Trans-cold ? Not as bad as man cold , but far more fickle in it's timing.

So, new years night. Hurumph.
The Oscars theme was layed on at the Catherine Wheel.
I had the long black dress, the heels & the sparklies all ready.
I can't make it out the door to find long black gloves. This is so irritating & untimely.
I think the night is probably off the books now.
Somewhere in the back of my head tells me foundation and excessive sneezing fits don't mix too well.

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum >8O( .
2009 . Good start.

......ignore me I'm in grumpy mood.

Wishing all a happy new year.

...firsts

2008-12-19T15:44:00.001-08:00

This may be small peanuts to some, but to me quite a thing.
I went out on Thursday evening to somewhere quite new .....well new for Lara that is. An evening that was casually arranged in the pub a few weeks ago.

Now here's the thing. This was only a few streets away from home. A little close for comfort maybe. I felt it was worth it. I feel the urge to extend the narrow Lara inhabits. I 'm still (quite rightly I think) more than a little embraced of myself. (Well this is common feeling in bloke mode too so I'm pretty used to this.)

The location was in a bit of an odd area. The road in question, never the best lit, slightly rundown, often folk milling up & down , several roughish pubs that have the trouble that goes with them...and of course occasional street murder.
So you may see my slight trepidation in Lara walking along here on a cold December evening. Which I forced myself to do. Survived I guess.

That said I arrived at the little dress makers shop. Heart beating nine to the dozen & needing a few minutes to settle down.
It had been a rush to get out of the door for 7pm that evening when arriving home at 6. So I'm not in the best of states anyway.

The little Couture sewing shop was somewhere that, in bloke mode I would feel a little out of sorts within. As Lara this felt the most welcoming of spots. Bright colours , smiling faces. Reminded me so much of my Grandmother. She a furrier as opposed to a seamstress, but the dynamics of the place felt the same. Some how comfortable.

A small number of friendly faces, a couple of new. I had gone along out of curiosity more than anything, but found myself drawn into the moment.

It's an odd position to have a pretty , genuine girl thrust a dress at you & say 'Wow try this on'
I recall a moment blankly thinking ...'who me ?' Coming to terms with a peculiar new situation.

Then the urge of the ...'Why not' moment.
It took me a while to realise , actually no-one here minds me experimenting & trying things on. A bit of an 'oh my goodness' moment.

So I did & let myself go with it. Liberating in it's small way.
I have never been out & about shopping for Lara. Online does not give that same feel .
I think this gave a chance to try things & would not even begin to consider normally.

I shall stop rambling. Suffice to say a wonderful , enlightening evening. I'm to be better prepared next time. Wonderful...and thank you to the girls.

...oh one of those firsts.....red.

....which tickled my fancy enough to purchase.
could this be the end of the black, black, black, pint of Guinness phase ?

...W.O.W. it's all to close for comfort

2008-12-10T09:43:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else come across this YouTube series yet.
I liked this a lot. So silly,....and a little too close for a computer geeks life style for comfort.

...Iced T

2008-12-07T15:53:00.001-08:00

Today was the near perfect winters day for me.
The air a still & cool 3-4 degrees in the early sunrise. Crisp frost on the ground & near silent as I pulled my boat out of the yard.
The low winter sun harsh on the eyes though the crystal Ice blue sky as I drove the 20 miles to the Broad (lake).
Defrosting the lock to get into the park, crunching across the still frozen gravel. Leaf mulch dark brown with crisp white outlines. Ducks scattering from their hiding place in the reed bed as I went down to the water side.

For me , just one of those peaceful moments when nothing really matters.
The water almost a glinting mirror.

Something struck me as odd as I walked back from the jetty. A set of prints on the frost , not my own but that of a dog or fox, small enough to be a cat , but I think too elongated. They were only in one direction , back from the waters edge. I still can't figure this one as there appears to be no cover for anything to spend the night out on the jetty. Odd.

The days sailing was cool, but not the bitter cold of the previous snowy encounter of a couple of weeks ago.
The water absolutely crystal clear with a light, crazed ice sheet across the top in sheltered areas.

I was testing out my Fireball dinghy. One I have been refurbishing & encouraging back to life for the last few weeks. All went sweetly just added to the days satisfaction.

Breaking the ice as you wade in the water always makes me think twice, but all felt right going out on the water. The gentle breeze picked up, but we still felt the warmth of the bright sun. It was not to be a cold affair.
Crewed company of the very nice young Heather helped as she chatted away in a scatty manner. Four hours just seemed to be lost. I like days when this happens. Lost in the moments.

The day ended with a blaze of colour.
I'm kicking myself that I packed my camera away a few minutes too soon , but the sky on the journey home was an explosion of oranges , purples , blues & violets against a wispy cloud line that kept my dangerously distracted as I drove.

Winters not all bad I think.

...things I shouldnt do.

2008-11-21T15:46:00.000-08:00

It seems Lara is going out sociably more often than regular me at the moment, whether that is a good or bad thing I don't know.
However I got some time out tonight at a local gig, but with regard to Lara came to the conclusion on a few things.

a) The mosh pit is not a good environment for the hair or skin. (oily mess & full of buises)
b) It takes at least two showers to feel clean after a gig now. (see above)
c) I'm not fit enough for all that jumping about any more.

Tomorrow night shall be a more sedate night for Lara I hope, although I believe she was promised a Bass lesson just to put a bit of randomness into the evening. Should be fun either way.

I'm hoping my hearing returns to normal by then & the gentle background hiss that I have at the moment goes.
Having partially lost my hearing for a period last year I should know better by now than doing such stupid things, yet there is something inside that tells me I'm still young enough to ignore good advice. Heh.

Perhaps Lara being quiet & restrained is better off doing the socialising for healths sake.

...deviant, me ?

2008-11-10T12:21:00.000-08:00

Iv'e gone and set up a DeviantArt account.

Why ?. Well, my bloke blog & flickr thing allows me post all of my silly scribbles willy nilly. Which is fine, but occasionally some are t-orientated so there is nowhere I can comfortably post these.

In the shadows they stay.

So why bother to post at all ?
Well I'm trying to come to terms with being a closet cartoonist.
Iv'e yet to come fully out into public due to the often hostile public reaction us C-folk get.

...outburst deleted

2008-10-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

...back in black

2008-10-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

Ok , back to the blog away from my silly cartoons, butterflies & the other nonsense that makes up the majority of my days.
Back to trans-stuff & Back to going out again on Wednesday night.
Back in another all black outfit. Which is really becoming rather dull & un-inspiring of me, so much so I won't even bother to post up the photo.
...and back to the start.

It's now been a year since I first stepped out of my front door. For better of for worse.

I met the comparable image of myself of a year ago this week.
Kicking around outside . To wound up to go inside .
She spotted me in the car park while I was being all miss vain & combing my tangled mess of a mane in the car.

Did I actually hear myself say 'no worries come in with me , it will all be fine."? I think I did.
Like I'm so full of confidence & know it all.

Well she was fine & could not have picked a better night. There were probably 15 varied trans folk about. All highly friendly as per norm. Some out for the first time, some old war horses. (am I allowed to utilise that expression?).
Anyway this was kind of good , It allowed me to sit back & listen. (Sorry it's what I do.)
She was whisked away & entrapped with the others. Interrogated on I don't know what subjects.
There's the old trans-dogma that comes out. I kind of expect that. I tend not to join in much. Not a case of heard it all , but more a case of I don't have the insight or the comfort zone to discuss, but it was nice to sit & just interject into the conversation when it did drift to other subject.

This I guess is my way of settling to this new situation , even after a year.
Being a bit grey in the background.

So there's the new girl , and then there is myself.
Now both in the same situation.
Whats the difference. Is this the me of a year ago ?
Well it's hard to tell. Like her I get the feeling of being ripped apart every time before I go out.
I know only a little more about myself. I have made no great change to the world by being me in a dress.

So what is the big difference ?

I'm happier. That about sums it up.

I hope in a year she feels the same.

On a foot note, it was so nice to meet a young trans girl whom had been brought out for the evening by her mother.
Normally I would think . Huh. Something not quite right here, but her acceptance of the situation I thought was wonderful. I'm not sure what the poor woman made of everyone there, but the youthful grin of delight on her teen daughters face I think made up for the situation.
Also a first time out. I recognised the inner glow of happiness.

Once upon a thyme

2008-09-24T14:27:00.000-07:00

The Weeds who lived in the little, sunny field, over the fence grew amongst the most luscious grass Dennis had ever seen. Dennis loved grass ever so much. His desires got the better of him. So one day he began to plot.

The grass was certainly greener on the other side of the fence, between the hedge, a rock , all the sandy aral land & all the way over to the holly bush land.
Now greedy Dennis just figured he could take what he wanted.
"Who would mind anyway?" he bleeted.
Heck he was a big chap. Were a bunch of little weeds going to stop him. ?
Now what he needed was a jolly good excuse to jump the fence. A diversionary ruse. Something to pull the wool over the eyes of onlookers.

He knew the smug Weeds had been taunting him for a long time. Playing tricks & calling him names.
Well one day it just so happened Dennis caught wind that something bad was being conceived by the Weeds that may harm the friendly field mosses. (Well the did spray chemicals on the Herbs along the fields borders a bit once)
"Right , Can't have that now" shouted Dennis.
(plus what an excellent smoke screen for his grass plan.)
Not that Dennis cared much for the Mosses, but if he could find an excuse to protect them then he could move the flock into the field & grab all that loverly grass.
So Dennis looked & looked & looked, but despite all his toils he never did find any evidence of the Weeds potential to harm the moss. Only the odd lichen scrapper which at best could only do minor damage to a rock.
Eventually he went back to his field feeling silly & still none the wiser as to what game the Weeds were playing. Worse still no reason to grab that sweet, sweet grass.

Baaaa humbug.

Dennis decided some thing a little more direct was called for. He rallied the flock & marched into the lush green pasture and over ran the hapless Weeds.
"We will take control at grass roots & help them to a better life", Dennis Explained.
Oh,but poor Dennis was such a one dimensional & slightly opaque fellow. A puddle was not so shallow as Dennis. Everybody guessed what he was doing and shouted 'Boo' & 'Tsk Tsk'
They should have stayed his side of the Bush with the other sheep.

The longer he hung around the field the more paranoid he became.
In the back of his mind , Dennis always thought the daisies were now plotting against him.
They seemed to pop up every where. Tripping up his every move.
This underground movement seemed to be growing underfoot.
He was trying to help them . Honest .

So little by little the Weeds bit back. Surely this insurgence wasn't playing his little game ?
Not fair. Dennis felt a sudden shift in positions of power.
A possible 'New weed order'. ?
The seeds had been sewn.

Dennis now had a little food for thought.
Poppies eh ! . The weeds appeared to be bringing the reds into the equation.
The field had suddenly became a far more complicated place.
Dennis seemed to have spent a lot of time & effort & still didn't have all the scrummy grass he desired. Back in his field the rest of the flock had shunned him. He sat down in his feild ,no friends left, the Weeds making fun of him & feeling grumpy.
Tsk , What would history make of him now.

There would be a moral to this tale , but the tale has not yet finished.

...that was the week.

2008-09-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

Not sure I want a week like the last for a while now.

Sat & Sun were teaching days, on the water all day, high winds & little to eat set the working week off to a shattering start.
I addition to the slightly abnormal 8 to 5 drag an excessive number of meetings in the middle of Cambridge did not make for a relaxed week.
Monday running around like a loony at lunch time getting the exhaust fixed that half fallen off my car. I had to leave at FastFit, because they could not live up to their name. Fortune had left my bike in the back of the car so it was a dash back to work & pick up after. Of course it rained.
Monday evening saw a committee meeting drag past 10.
Tuesday, the normality of my week ,but still included the evening drudge around the supermarket.
Wednesday was supposed to be a bit of a treat. I was give the chance to take a few hours off work & go Carting with My department. All good fun. Came third overall after my competitive side kicked in. Getting home an hour early was bit of a coo also a Lara was off out that night.
This meant things could be taken at a little more leisurely pace for once.
So Wednesday evening was quite pleasant. Nice company, everyone in a buoyant mood so it seemed. Well that is apart from the one, half asleep in the corner, with forearms that felt like Popeyes, because she had been Go Carting for several hours. Back home by 12.
Thursday no rest. Work, then rush out the door at 5 to make it to a kids sailing course that I had been roped into several weeks prior. The idea of several hours out on the water of an evening would normally appeal. Spending it with some of these kids did not. I'm normally quite relaxed with children just being children & fooling around a little . Out right rudeness is another thing.
Its odd how one child can spoil a whole groups night. It also rained.
Friday. Yet another meeting & 120 miles in a car with no parking at one end. I had also been invited out by Pandora as she and her friends were coming to the area for a Karaoke night.
So for the second time in the week out goes Lara.
I arrive about an hour early for once & conceal myself at the back of the pub.
I'm really quite surprised to see another TV there, I don't know why I should have been . Just wasn't expecting it. We exchange pleasantries & go about our own business.
Now what happens next is the first time this has happened to me.
I'm aware of verbal sniping going on in the back ground. Aimed at me or the other girl. I'm not sure it matters.
This does little for someone with little confidence at the best of times. I think being on my own left me little open & vulnerable. I think I've got to except though that this is going to happen & get over it, or don't and just stop going out. It's a simple choice.
I was grateful by the time Pandora & the others arrived though, although I apologise If I had slipped back into reserved mode.
So I left early. Car blocked in the car park. I nip back to find if I could get it moved. Nope. By 12am I'm a little miffed & cold waiting for the guy who I think has left it there for the night.
I had to walk home. Only a mile. But the longest mile I've walked.
Some thing I have not had to do before & don't wish to again.

Sat morning, Up at 6:30 & remove makeup after I just crashed in bed the night before.
Back out on to the water for the first day of my new course. Good Kids. Terrible weather at times.
The squall that came through & flattened the whole fleet was not fun to deal with.
This combined with the sailing base inspection that was taking place could not have been less welcome. We passed with flying colours I'm glad to say.
Thank goodness Sunday was slightly more sedate ....it still rained though.

Monday & I'm glad my mum rang this evening & said come for dinner.
I shall now sleep & dream of a quieter week aahead.

...I have butterflies

2008-08-31T13:54:00.000-07:00

Nothing Deceptive in the title. No under laying metaphor . It is what it says it is.

I spent the day wandering quietly around my mothers garden & within the fields behind, just watching & listening, taking in the summer.
Sorry that's a bit dull, but that's me sometimes.
A humid & warm day. No wind & even less pressing things to do. A little calm freedom for once.
Breathing space.
I indulged in my frustrating habit of butterfly chasing among other things.
Possibly had more luck in one 10 minute spell than Ive had in five years. Oh well.

Warning, don't try this with a camera in hand . It becomes a little obsessive. The little buggers don't stay still for long, & the perfect butterfly shot is next to impossible without the proper kit. ( I simply don't have the right lenses for this.)

But it doesn't matter . The chase is better than the snap.

A Comma Butterfly on the Budlia

A large white (as opposed to the small white I always mix up with Cabbage whites)

The Peacock. Rather a shoddy beaten one I might add.

Good old Red Admiral. Thas' bootiful m'gul.

Small Tortoiseshell (& Comma)

Small Tortoiseshell (Red Admiral & Comma)

A Speckled Woodland butterfly on speckled bramble leaves

I love the colour & shape of the Comma.

Not a butterfly, but it was just as delicate in the very gentle breeze.

Red. How slutty.

Well, It made me happy that there was variety. I never did catch the little cabbage whites on camera. I did try.
Another day maybe.

...a bit purple

2008-08-06T16:15:00.001-07:00

Hmm, the weretranny ventures out again.
It's been some time. Mostly had problems just stepping out. Normally the light nights and folk all around with doors & windows open fuel my paranoia & self doubt . The combination wouldn't let Lara anywhere near the door handle.

Still, I chose my moment & skipped giddily down the road avoiding eye contact where possible. Pretty hard when driving. Safer to keep eyes at least partially open.

Bit of an odd one, I arrived at a reasonable time 8:20 (ish) to find the only life in the pub that night was the group of TV's. Pretty strange the pub is normally at least half full of regular folk. (yes yes , TV's are regular folk too, blah blah)

Now this may be strange to some T folk. Interaction with people may become a common thing when you're happy with yourself & going out regularly. I'm not within that little shaded sector of the Venn diagram. A discomfort zone if you like.
I still have to build my self up to this sort of thing every time I go out. A mental process of telling myself, not to be stupid & that no one gives a damn.

Still not having to deal with people was almost a let down. Is this a sign of wanting to test myself I wonder. oh well. I wont dwell on it. I'm pretty happy to sit quietly & observe instead. (Dumb blonde ?)

A new tune

2008-07-31T06:30:00.000-07:00

Me buggering about again.
I made up a new ditty.

...second life ?

2008-07-15T15:28:00.001-07:00

Laras Globe, originally uploaded by laratyg.

Trying to settle back down into a normal rut at the moment.
No Lara still at the moment. The light evenings make it develishly hard to go out. Every one has their doors open. No way to sneak out.
Ive sort of just stopped drawing at the moment. My heart, to be honest is not in it currently. Is there such thing as cartoonists block ?
So Ive sat back down to my Second Life creations for now.
I knocked this little building up a few days ago. Im quite happy with this one. :O)

...distractions

2008-07-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

Bloxorz

Get the block to fall into the square hole.

Play this free game now!!

Well this was good frustrating fun :O)

...luck.......blah

2008-07-01T14:03:00.000-07:00

They say you make your own luck.

If this is true then it's about time I sit myself down and have a good, long, hard discussion about the direction my creative imagination is currently taking me.

...oh bugger.

2008-06-24T12:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know whether I should be worried or not.
A parcel arrived today.
A dress. Something I ordered from e-bay.
Well it had been opened , obviously taken out of its inner packaging & handled.
Re sellotaped up with the note "wrongly delivered & opened in error"
How the hell do you open something , then open the inner see through packaging in error when it doesn't even have your name on the package label !

....it also means that one of my neighbours may now think me a little strange.
...and of course they talk.

Fuck it.

...tuned out

2008-06-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

I made the list lately of bands & groups I've seen play live & got to thinking just how shallow my musical taste must be.(or been)

The Almighty x2
Anthrax
Alice Cooper (A must see show :O) )
AC/DC (meh, whats all the fuss about ?)
AeroSmith x2
Black Crows
Guns & Roses
Hawkwind x7 (Catch them before they disappear, they wont disappoint)
Helloween x2
Iron Maiden x2 + (& once as the Nodding Donkeys).
Motorhead x6 (What a live act !!! )
Megadeth x2
Metallica x2
Kings of Leon
Queesryche x2
Whitesnake
Def Leopard x4 (4 times not by choice though)
WASP x2
Terravision x2
Poison
Quireboys
Thunder x4 (Yay)
Motley Crue
Skid Row
Slayer
Sepultura x3
Pantera x1
Therapy?
Pride & Glory
Skin
Biohazzard
Cry of Love
Loverboy (by accident, & what a bad accident)
The Wildhearts
The Kooks
Kiss
Ozzy Osbourne
Paradise Lost
Fear Factory
Korn
3 colours red x2
George Melly ( Yes, & he was quite good in an eclectic way)
Transvision Vamp (Swoon, Wendy. My all time favorite slut)
Madness

Mostly all rock & thrash metal so it seems, which is odd because my taste is way more diverse & broader than this.
I think I can put this down to three things.
1) The festivals I used to go to were a bit one dimensional.
2) The other folk I would have like to have seen didn't come to little backwaters like mine.
3) There's a difference between the music you like to listen to on occasion & the people you think "hell, I want to travel 150 miles & pay £40 to hear them play . woohoo"

So whats got me thinking all this is that it's festival season again. I could never be bothered with the big ones that have grown up , i.e 'V' & Reading, & Glastonbury is well, just too far for a wet weekend.
However 'Latitude' has raised its head over the last couple of years & its got me considering going under canvas for the first time in years.
Back to 4 days of eclectic variety.

I think the Mars Volta playing pricked my ears up, but the addition of acts like Bill Bailey & Rich Hall playing the comedy stage made me thing yay . That may be pretty cool.

...and so they kept adding to the bill , Blondie , Iain Banks (One of my fave writers giving a talk) & to top it for me a chance to see Joanna Newsom had me pretty much convinced.

So, I better try & find the tent & wellies.
I bet it rains :O(

...dur

2008-06-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

I know Im going scatty

When I came home tonight I realised I must have ironed the same trouser leg twice this morning.

I have a wrinkly leg.

...I must be alive ,because my brain hurts.

2008-06-06T13:12:00.001-07:00

The last seven/fourteen or so days....
I thought I was going to ease back into everything gently after coming back from holiday, the faits seemed to have other ideas though.

Basically the two weeks I was away, not a stitch or finger was lifted on any of my works projects.
I realised I was at breaking point just before I went away. Being overly grumpy to folk, snapping, ripping the hell out of the odd architect & walking out of work were all pretty good signs. Currently having the work load of the 4 colleagues that have resigned & not been replaced as well as my own is begining to wear a little thin.
Those who know my other web site will note that I've pretty much not produced any new cartoons since the begining of the year. No lunch times , no cartoons . >:O(
All a bit crap.
I seem only to be at home to sleep at the moment.

It was an absolute pleasure Last Friday for Lara to wander out & Meet Pandora & her friends.
Karaoke at the Catherine Wheel was fun. Apologies for being a little quite & grumpy. Just not able to switch off at the moment. Mind elsewhere.

I totaly messed up the day after. For the first time in 10 or so years I forgot I was supposed to be running a training day at the sailing base. I feel so stupid about that .
Turned up two hours late with everyone standing around waiting for me. So stupid. Loosing days.

I missed the big local regatta to, I so wanted to try & capture with my new camera.
A hundred or so sail boats & classic sailing yachts on the narrow river usually makes such an awsome sight.

Sunday was at last some down time , I got to spend the day at a local village fete with my god daughters & friends. So good just to switch & concentrate on the kids for a few hours. Good fun too.
We wandered off in the evening to see Jimmy Carr, which was nice. Slightly more explicit than I had expected , good though.

,but weekends are always spoiled by Mondays & the gut wrenching, relentless, roller coaster of hateful struggle that is just leaving me presently numb.

Monday & Tuesday blur, Wednesday I miss a needed night out fro Lara, I got to the point where I came in late & just can't be bothered. Which annoys & frustrates me further.

Thurday work then committee meetings, which brings me to Friday two weeks after I got back knowing Ive got two solid days of sailing instruction the weekend ahead & then back to the durge.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's all a bit buggered up at the moment.
I was given the above photo by Nichole a few weeks ago. I think it was Laras second time out. I remember being a bit calmer then.

Not fair.

I wanna go back on holiday.

...the original Cook,

2008-05-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

I just heard Beryl Cook has died.
Shame.
I know a lot of folk did not like her art.
(I wouldn't really want to hang it in my home)
,But it will always be fun, approachable & give that warm feeling when you see it.
She started painting around the time I was born , so she is one of thoes figures in the back ground ( a bit like the Queen I guess) who has always occupied a small spot in the background throughout my life. Solid & unchanging. Also one of the most recognisable styles.

Another period of British culture at an end. :O(

...far far away

2008-05-10T03:54:00.000-07:00

Im running off now. Far, far away.
I two weeks I guess I will come back.

The bit in between I shall be sailing a bit, eating food, drinking tea & other leagle substances, delving into a good book, taking photos & generally lounging.

Im especially looking forward to the tea.

Back soon :O)